A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married
by LulaMadison
Summary: When Loki escapes his prison & flees to Midgard he realises he quite likes it here and doesn't want to leave. When he hears that marrying someone allows you to stay in the country he decides to marry one of the only people he knows: the Avengers. Eventual Loki/Tony. UPDATED DAILY.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_Tags: Accidental marriage, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.  
**Notes: **Although this is slash, it is not very explicit really.

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 1/14**

~0~

It took Loki exactly six months to escape his cell on Asgard.

The bindings wound in spidery gold threads through the thick walls and glass partitions confined his magic within the boundaries of his prison, blocking his escape, and while he could have used it against any who stepped inside, none ever did.

He had thought Thor would be the first to visit him, to beg for answers, for forgiveness, and Loki looked forward to laughing in his face, but Thor never came. He waited for his first visitor, but when he had seen none but the guards scurrying past the windows, his frustration boiled over and he blasted the contents of his cell with a concussive wave of magic until it smashed against the walls.

Soon his anger stilled, settling down into an unpleasant seething knot within his stomach, and it gave way to plots and plans and thoughts of escape.

With nothing to do but read the meagre handful of books he had been allowed, he had taken to sitting against the wall of his cell day after day and letting the spell that contained him seep into his skin. He could feel the threads of magic washing over him, impossibly complex and almost indecipherable.

Almost.

It took him 4 months to truly understand the spell and another two to find its weakness. When he discovered the flaw he stood up and walked towards the glass wall.

The guard on the other side twitched nervously, unused to seeing his prisoner approach. "Sit back down, trickster, or I'll teach you a lesson you won't forget."

Loki tilted his head and grinned. "I would like to see you try."

The guard drew his short sword, holding it out before him. "SIT down."

"I think… _not_," Loki replied, as he raised one hand and placed his fingertips on the thick glass.

The guard watched in horror as the clear surface began to ripple like water and Loki's fingers began to disappear into it without appearing on the other side. He snapped from his shocked state and ran to the wall where he grabbed a thick, knotted rope and pulled it.

"Escape!" He shouted as a bell rang. "Prisoner escaping!"

Loki grinned again, up to his elbow in glass, and he turned to the guard. "Do give Thor my love," he said, and vanished.

~0~

Before he left Asgard Loki visited the armoury and took the Tesseract, making it almost impossible for anyone to follow him. Odin would not be able to harness the dark energies without doing himself harm for some time and the bifrost was still far from repaired.

Loki was free. He could do anything or go anywhere he wanted, but he only had one thought on his mind: revenge.

~0~

He arrived in Midgard on a clear spring day and decided to find lodgings so he could rest before planning his attack, he changed his clothing to a black suit and cloaked himself in a spell that would make him invisible to the prying eyes of SHIELD as he walked through the city.

He found himself wandering in a vast park, lined by tall buildings, and soon he started to recognise landmarks. The lake with an ornate fountain, the brick walls, and the round metal plate where he had stood, muzzled, as Thor dragged him back to Asgard.

He could still feel the prickle of tesseract energy leaching into his feet through the thick leather soles of his shoes and he thought back to that day and the scornful faces of the Avengers.

He looked up, scanning the horizon for that familiar building and quickly spotted Stark Tower in the distance. He curled his hands into fists, squeezing them tightly in anger and started the long walk towards it.

He would have his victory.

~0~

He sought refuge in a tall building that overlooked the tower, easily persuading the woman who sat at the front desk that he should be allowed complimentary use of the grandest suite of rooms that faced the window that he had thrown Stark from. She had protested at first, but the minds of Midgardians were simple to control, and the spell he had cast would hold until he had acquired enough local currency to pay his board.

Loki spent the first few days resting and sampling all the delights that something called room service could provide.

After that he visited the 'beauty parlour' and had his hair trimmed, his eyebrows waxed and was given a complimentary head massage which he enjoyed immensely.

When he started feeling restless he roamed the streets and quickly discovered the easiest way to get money was a simple spell that caused a device in the wall to spit it out into his waiting hands.

He travelled the city, visiting restaurants, theatres and museums. He enjoyed the clubs and the dancing and music. He liked to shop and bought himself a wardrobe full fine tailored suits and handmade leather shoes, but eventually the time for him to take his revenge came and he knew he would face the Avengers again… except the battle didn't quite work out as Loki hoped.

~0~

Loki traded blows with the Hulk while the other heroes attempted to overpower the giant demon like creatures that Loki had called forth through a tiny rift he had found in Times Square.

"I will not be defeated this time," Loki said as he stalked backwards, skirting just out of Hulk's reach.

Hulk snorted, side stepping quickly, and then suddenly ran towards Loki.

Loki saw the attack coming and raised his hands, blasting Hulk in the chest with a wave of directed energy that he had gathered in from the air around him. The blast lifted Hulk off the ground and carried him over Loki's head and through a plate glass window.

"Nooooo!" Loki shouted as he saw Hulk spring up to his feet and wrench what was left of the shop counter off its base and throw it out into the street towards him.

He vanished before the tangled mess of wood and chrome could hit him and spent the rest of the day sulking about the destruction of his favourite coffee bar.

He had spent days surveying every coffee house in the area and discovered that this particular establishment met all of his needs. Now that it was gone where would he find another venue that would be able to provide him with the perfect caramel Cappuccino served with a faultless slice of Raspberry Almond cheesecake?

~0~

A week later and Loki tried again, this time unleashing a devastating firestorm into the sky above the city that rained down smoking chunks of lava indiscriminately causing buildings to catch on fire.

Loki stalked through the streets enjoying the chaos as people tried to flee the city, choking the avenues with cars and piling onto public transport. He laughed at the carnage and then out of the corner of his eye he noticed a white banner with red writing fluttering in the breeze that said, "Opening soon. 20% off sale," and in the window, perched on a perspex box, stood the most beautiful shoes Loki had ever seen.

He ran his hands over the glass as he crouched to take in their magnificence fully. They were black leather with delicate hand stitching and they gleamed in the light of the firestorm above.

They were utterly perfect, and while Loki could easily have created a spell to replicate the shoes he wanted the real thing, the real shoe that had been lovingly hand crafted by a Midgardian cobbler.

He briefly considered smashing the window and simply taking the shoes, but he wanted the perfect fit, and knew he would have to come back when the shop opened to have his feet measured.

Chunks of glowing lava began to rain down into the street from the storm above and Loki loosened his hold on the spell, allowing the fire to dissipate, because if the shop caught fire he would never get his shoes, and suddenly they seemed far more important than revenge.

~0~

It was a bright summers day when Loki felt the prickle in the air, the tang of electricity and felt the bifrost pull at his skin.

The bridge was repaired and Thor was on Midgard, no doubt searching for him. Loki had kept himself shielded from Heimdall's eyes, but it was only a matter of time before he was discovered and he would be dragged screaming back to Asgard.

He hid himself away in his hotel room for a week, terrified of being spotted if he went outside, and scared to use his magic in case someone would be able to sense it.

When Loki had arrived on Midgard it was with one aim in mind, but he had quickly discovered that he _liked_ many of the quirks of the mortals. Some of their food was delicate and delicious and far more to his taste than the boorish Asgardian feasts he had been attending all his life.

He enjoyed the theatre and found it far more moving than listening to the drunken tales that passed for entertainment on Asgard. He listed in his head all the things he liked about this realm: the shoes, the clothes, the books, the Internet, and the clean minimal designs of many of the buildings he visited.

He didn't want to leave.

It wasn't that he feared returning to Asgard, or his cell, but simply that he didn't want to leave Midgard. Thor was searching for him now, it was inevitable that he would be discovered eventually, and the thought having to leave this bright, young realm made his chest ache with sadness.

He sat in bed, eating ice cream in misery and watching endless daytime talk shows until he was bored to tears.

"I know you cheated on me!" a woman shrieked on the TV and Loki hunted for the remote to change the channel. "And I know you only married me to stay in the country. Without me you would have been shipped back home years ago, you pig!"

Loki looked up. Marriage allowed someone to stay in the country? Was this the law on Midgard?

He slid off the side of the bed and pulled out his laptop.

~0~

It took Loki a few hours to find all the relevant documents and laws, but it appeared that the bedraggled woman on the television was correct. When you married someone who was a citizen of the US you were legally entitled to stay with them and Loki knew that Odin would be loath go against the laws of another realm, lest it create conflict between them.

This was it, his way to stay on Midgard with its all its many delights; the coffee shops, the vast libraries full of comic half-truths about the universe, and the delightfully tailored clothing.

All he had to do now was find someone to marry.

~0~

He quickly discovered Internet dating sites, taking his time to investigate each one thoroughly for the quality of its potential mates and found each one sorely lacking. Loki wanted a mortal who would challenge him, someone from good genetic stock who he may wish to have children with one day, but all the people he found on dating sites appeared to have taken at least one photo of themselves reflected in a bathroom mirror which he found particularly uncouth.

Eventually he discovered a site that met his purposes, and even though the name, _IQute_, made him want to vomit he joined anyway as it offered access to some of New York's finest minds.

He filled in the survey as truthfully as he could, while leaving out all the parts about world domination, being an immortal god, and that fact that one day he would cause Ragnarok. He left the profile photo blank, as he was fairly certain that SHIELD would be searching the net for pictures of him, and used a fake name, then sat back and waited for the offers of courtship to arrive.

~0~

Two days later Loki hadn't received a single marriage proposal and he started to worry. Were his qualities not appreciated on Midgard? Did Midgardian men and women look for certain things in a marriage partner that he was blind to?

In a panic he started to search google and discovered a myriad of dating advice books. Loki looked through the titles, confused by the vast array, and wondered which one was the best for him, but then something struck him. A huge number of the books were aimed at people over 30. Was 30 considered old for a Midgardian? Redundant? Worthless? Ugly?

Loki was 1047 years old.

In his panic he ran down into the lobby of the hotel, grabbing random strangers.

"How old do I look?" he asked them.

"I don't know…31?" a startled woman in a designer suit answered.

"33 maybe?" a businessman answered.

He went back to his room, ordered everything off the room service dessert menu and sat and cried as he ate a six serving pecan pie.

~0~

Loki was at a loss. He could very easily cast a love spell and force some unwilling mortal to fall in love with him, but in his heart he really didn't want that. He wanted someone who was good and kind, someone who would treat him well, but where would he meet someone like that?

As he flicked through the TV channels he came across the news and watched briefly as Iron Man flew through the air, wheeling round a smoking building. He went to change the channel, but then the camera zoomed in on Captain America as he helped a young woman from the wreckage of her car, which had been destroyed by falling masonry, trapping her leg under the pedals.

He watched closely as the Captain pulled her free, holding her close to his body in his big, muscular arms and then carried her towards a waiting ambulance.

There was something noble in the Captain's bearing, he possessed strength and courage, but none of the arrogance or vanity that usually went hand in hand with such qualities.

_Oh yes_, Loki thought, _he is the one for me_.

He rose from his bed, brushed pastry crumbs from his chest, and teleported out into the city.

~0~

* * *

The next chapter of this fic will be posted in about 5 minutes!


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_Tags: Accidental marriage, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.  
**Notes: **Although this is slash, it is not very explicit.

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 2/14**

**~0~**

It took Steve a while to notice, but lately he felt like he was the luckiest guy alive.

If he lost the keys to his motorbike and was about to turn his whole apartment upside down to look for them, he would turn around and discover them on the coffee table.

When they fought a group of Doombots earlier in the week one had managed to sneak up behind him, place a gun to the small of his back, then suffered some kind of catastrophic failure and collapsed in a smoking heap on the ground.

He would have written it off as sheer dumb luck, but it kept happening. Every time they faced an enemy, Steve found himself in the midst of battle with very little to do as every alien, soldier or evil robot who attempted to attack him would die if it got within 5 feet of him.

~0~

"Steve, it's good to see you," Bruce said when he opened the door to his lab. "Can I do something for you?"

"I want you to give me a health check."

"Are you sick? I didn't think that was possible," Bruce said as he moved back from the door and let Steve enter the room.

"Not sick exactly… I just know something's wrong."

"Wrong in what way?"

Steve frowned and after a moment of silence he asked, "Is it possible my body is giving off some kind of field? Like some kind destructive energy that kills my enemies before they get near me?"

Bruce's ran a hand over his forehead and said, "Well, I guess it's technically _possible_, yeah, but not very likely. I mean, who knows how the effects of the serum might evolve over time."

"So theoretically that could happen? And one day it might evolve… maybe into hurting people who aren't my enemies?

"Is that what you're worried about?" Bruce asked. "I know you wouldn't hurt anyone, Steve."

"Maybe not deliberately," he sighed. "Can you just check me over, please?"

Bruce nodded and Steve smiled in response.

~0~

"There's nothing?" Steve asked after Bruce explained the findings of the scans. "Nothing at all?"

"Nothing unusual. Nothing that we haven't already seen in your past scans at least," Bruce replied, putting his glasses back in his shirt pocket.

"But… they keep dying. I'm not even doing anything, but when anyone attacks me they just… die. What the hell could be causing that?"

Bruce opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by JARVIS.

"Sirs, your presence is required in the Quinjet hangar immediately. A level 5 threat has been detected and Director Fury has requested the attendance of the Avengers."

Bruce shrugged and said, "I guess maybe we'll find out now."

~0~

The battle wasn't exactly thrilling, especially for Steve who quickly found himself with very little to do. Every time he ran towards one of the scaly alien creatures that were tearing through the shopping mall it promptly fell over and died with a gush of blood pouring from it's back.

As he watched his teammates battle to contain the threat Steve decided to do a little experiment.

He dropped his shield; stood still, and let the aliens come to him.

_"Er, what are you doing?"_ Tony asked over the comm link. _"It's a little too soon to be posing for that statue don't you think?"_

"Just testing a theory," Steve replied.

_"What? The theory that a sitting duck doesn't get slaughtered by aliens, because I think you might be next up on their menu."_

"Just keep watch."

The aliens were moving in. A loose circle that skirted Steve's position, closing the gap between their ranks as they moved closer.

_"Cap, what are you doing?"_ Natasha asked over the comm.

"Trust me," Steve replied. "I'll be fine."

The alien closest to him raised it's hand in the air, preparing to attack, when it let out a shriek and collapsed to the floor writhing as it clutched a gaping wound in it's side.

Steve watched as another alien moved, adopting an aggressive posture as it prepared to pounce, and right before the alien made it's move Steve saw a blur of green behind it and the monster collapsed screaming.

"Something is definitely going on here," Steve said.

_"Yeah, it's you presenting yourself like a finger buffet at a wedding. Get out of there!"_ Tony shouted.

"Just wait…" Steve said.

The aliens advanced, moving closer as one, and Steve caught sight of the green blur again as a few of them fell screaming in agony.

_"Cap!"_ Natasha screamed over the comm, as she started running towards his position, but as she reached the edge of the alien group there was a blinding flash of light.

When her eyes cleared she saw Steve surrounded by a pile of alien corpses and Loki stood in front of him. She raised her gun and fired once.

"Now, now," Loki said, barely taking his eyes off Steve. He twisted his hand in the air and the gun flew from Natasha's hand, skittering across the marble floor.

"Loki," Steve gasped, hardly able to believe his eyes.

"Good Captain," Loki replied, dipping into a bow. "I suggest in future you do not allow yourself to become encircled by your enemies. It makes protecting you undetected awfully difficult."

"And why exactly are you protecting me?"

Loki smiled. "I have grown… fond of you. I would hate to see you injured when I haven't had the opportunity to get to know you further. Shall we say dinner on Saturday night? 7pm?"

"I'm sorry, I'm busy on Saturday night," Steve replied, "And every other night, before you ask."

Loki smiled an _actual_ smile, not his usual leering smirk that made him look like the devil. "Then I shall have to continue to woo you until you agree to court me." He bowed again and then vanished.

Steve looked around himself, at the spot where Loki had just stood, and the smouldering pile of corpses, and then asked Natasha, "Did that really just happen or have I lost my mind?"

"Oh, that was real all right," she replied with a grin.

"What the hell is he doing?" he asked

Natasha smirked and in a singsong voice she said, "I think maybe someone has a crush on you."

Steve raised his eyebrows at her and laughed, hoping to god she was wrong.

~0~

The first time Steve arrived back at his apartment and found a present from Loki he was worried.

A blue box with a red and white ribbon attached to the lid sat on his coffee table with a letter in a golden envelope propped up against it.

Steve quickly looked round his apartment, inspecting all the window locks, and opening every door to check that Loki wasn't lurking in one of his closets, waiting to jump out at him. When he was finally satisfied that he was alone he turned his attention back to the letter on the table.

The paper the envelope was made of was thick and oddly grained. For a moment he was struck with the horrible idea that perhaps it was made from human skin, but quickly dismissed it.

He opened it, took out the letter and began to read.

_"Darling Captain,_

_Please accept these chocolates as a token of my appreciation. As you can see, they are sealed, so you will be able to eat them without worrying that I have poisoned them._

_Truly yours, Loki_

_P.s. I understand that you may not trust me. After all, it is entirely likely that in the past I may have poisoned the chocolates and then resealed them with magic. I have come up with another ingenious way to prove they are not poisoned."_

Steve placed the box back on the table, half scared that it might be a trap and when he opened the lid it would explode in his face.

He went to the kitchen, opened the cleaning cupboard and came back with a long handled broom. From behind the safety of the couch he held his breath as he pushed the end of broom into the ribbon that was looped around the lid and lifted. The box opened with a gentle sucking sound and Steve breathed out at last.

Inside the box were some of the most beautiful hand made chocolates Steve had ever seen, each one with a single delicate bite taken out of it.

Steve picked up the box, the lid, and the letter, went out into the hallway and threw them down the trash chute.

~0~

When Steve started finding random letters and gifts on his coffee table when he had simply gone into the other room, he was definitely worried. For a while he considered moving into Stark tower, but he liked his privacy, and even though his place was a little small and frayed round the edges it felt like _home_.

As Steve placed the key in the lock of his apartment he heard a sound. Sharp footsteps echoing from behind the door and then the squeak of the floorboard in the kitchen that he meant have fixed weeks ago. Someone was inside.

He reached into his bag, pulled out the handgun he kept concealed in the bottom for emergencies, and then pushed open the door slowly.

A cow stood in the centre of his living room.

"Loki!" Steve said angrily, as he put his gun away. "I know you did this!"

He walked into his apartment, closing the door behind him, and then jumped as three sheep emerged from the kitchen.

"Loki! Get out here now!"

There was a flash of golden light and Loki appeared next to the cow. He bowed politely and said, "Captain."

"Get these animals out of here right now. My landlord is going to throw me out in the streets if he finds them here."

"But… this is a fine cow, worthy of a fine warrior such as yourself."

"I don't _want_ a cow."

Loki cringed and said, "I don't suppose you want the horse that is in the bedroom then either?"

"There's a _HORSE_ in my bedroom?" Steve asked angrily.

"Yes, a wonderful black stallion. You would look quite dashing riding him into battle."

"Why is there a horse in my bedroom?"

Loki looked taken aback for a second. "It is traditional to give livestock to the family of someone you wish to court. This is your bride price. Do you not… do that here?"

"No!" Steve shrieked in frustration as a sheep skipped past his ankles and deposited small pebbles of dung across his carpet.

"Oh," Loki replied, his brow creasing up in confusion. "Then how do Midgardians find a partner?"

"Through friends or family or at work usually," Steve suggested.

"But… I know you through Thor and through my work as a villain. Does that not count?"

"Look, I don't know how it works where you're from, and I don't mean to be rude or anything, but I'm not attracted to men," Steve said, and then he noticed the way Loki's face fell and quickly added, "It's totally OK that _you_ are, I have no problem with that, but that's just not my preference."

Loki held his finger up to his lips and tapped it against them. "You prefer women?"

"I do, yeah."

"Very well," Loki said, and golden light surrounded him as his clothes and body began to change in front of Steve's wide eyes. "Does this form suit you better?"

"I-I er…" Steve mumbled, trying to take in the sight of Loki who had transformed himself into a beautiful blonde woman. "Wow. You really look amazing. I'm already in love with someone else though."

"The woman whose photograph you stare at late at night when you are alone," Loki stated flatly.

"Peggy, yes. She may be gone now, but I still love her with all my heart and I'm not sure there's room in there for anyone else yet."

Loki nodded; golden light surrounded his false body again, and then melted back inwards until Peggy stood in the room.

Steve gasped. He knew it was a charade, that this wasn't Peggy, but seeing her stood before him, looking as beautiful as she did in his memories, he couldn't help but move forward and take her hands.

"Do you like this form?" 'Peggy' asked, but the voice was wrong.

Steve raised his fingers to her lips. "Don't speak. Just let me look at you."

Peggy nodded, smiling up at Steve with bright eyes, until he pulled her into a soft embrace.

"I missed you, Peggy," Steve sighed as he rocked her gently, and then leant forward to place a kiss on her forehead. "I wish I could have said goodbye to you properly."

Steve suddenly released her and turned his back.

"I could maintain this form if you wish," Peggy said.

"I'd really prefer it you'd turn back now," Steve said, wiping his face.

"As you wish."

"Are you done?"

"I am," Loki replied.

Steve turned around, and smiled sadly. "Thank you, Loki. Thank you for reminding me how beautiful she was, but you've just confirmed everything I said. I'm still in love with her and I always will be."

"So you would not be interested in courting?" Loki asked.

"I think not," Steve replied.

"Very well then," Loki replied sadly. "Do enjoy your gifts."

"Wait, you aren't taking them with you?"

"It would not be good manners to give a gift and then demand its return. They are yours now," Loki replied.

"I'd really prefer it if you take them with you. I'm not really equipped to be taking care of livestock."

"Are you sure you would not like to keep the horse?" Loki asked.

"Pretty sure, yeah," Steve replied.

Loki waved his hand and the animals vanished, he bowed and then disappeared in a flash of light, leaving Steve to clean up the piles of dung that littered his apartment.

~0~

* * *

Next chapter will be up tomorrow. The story is actually complete, but I don't have time to post it all in one go, so I will post one chapter a day from now on.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_**Tags**: Accidental marriage, FrostIron, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 3/14**

~0~

After the attempt at dating Steve, which could only be described as a disaster, Loki spent a day laid on his bed going over the list of possible partners in his head.

Thor was out for obvious reasons, and definitely _not_ the beast or the infuriating Stark, simply because he valued his life and his sanity.

His mind wandered, going over all the mortals he had met during his attack on Midgard. Loki sat up.

Agent Barton.

Agent Barton was the perfect candidate; after all, Barton had already told Loki all his secrets, which meant there would none of the boring 'getting to know you' conversations and no ugly surprises. They could get straight down to the important business of getting married and all his problems would be solved.

There was the slight problem of Barton wanting to put an arrow through his eye socket, but Loki was sure with the correct level wooing he could win the agent over.

He stood at his large window and gazed across towards to the tower. From his room he could see clearly across the landing platform where Stark would land infrequently, and right into the front section of the glazed main living quarters.

Loki waited at the window long into the evening, silently biding his time. Barton appeared in the main room, accompanied by Romanoff, and when she left him alone he conjured a bunch of flowers into his hand, closed his eyes and teleported to the tower.

He opened his eyes and found himself stood opposite Clint.

"Agent Ba-" Loki was cut off when a fist squarely connected with his nose and sent him staggering backwards across the floor, clutching his face.

"Get out of here, NOW!" Clint growled, as he rubbed the knuckles of his right hand painfully.

"But I merely wanted t-"

"I'm pretty sure I've broken my hand, but if you say one more word I _swear_ I will punch you again!"

Loki eyed him suspiciously, his hand still covering his nose. "But I-"

"AAH!" Clint shouted, raising his fist again.

Loki's eyes went wide, he dropped the flowers and teleported away.

~0~

Loki lay on his bed and he wondered how he could have gotten it _so_ wrong. Barton was obviously not the forgiving type, and was plainly not marriage material.

That was _definitely_ the end of that one.

~0~

~0~

SHIELD had been kept informed of the strange matter of Loki and his repeated attempts to meet with the Avengers. At first it had worried Fury that he was back, but his recent behaviour had been… strange.

As Fury closed his laptop, preparing for the end of the day, there was a crackle in the air and sparks of green static electricity that turned to gold. The light grew brighter, temporarily blinding him with its intensity and forcing him to look away. When he opened his eyes Loki stood before him.

"I wondered when you would show up here," Fury said as he leant back in his chair, attempting to purvey an aura of calm, even though his heart was hammering inside his chest.

Fury might be brave, but he wasn't an idiot. Within seconds of Loki appearing he had set off the silent alarm with the button that was on the underside of his desk, and he knew SHIELD agents would already be gathering outside the door and observing the video feeds. He also knew the protocol, that when a major villain appeared in the building, they should not attack, and should wait until the Avengers arrived. Until they did he was alone, his back against the wall, facing off against a mad god.

"You have been expecting me," Loki said with a glint in his eyes. "A little presumptuous, don't you think?"

"You've been doing the rounds so I assumed at some point you'd end up here as obviously everyone is going to turn you down."

Loki put his hand to his chest, his face twisted with mock hurt. "And I here I am, bearing a gift that I put hours of thought into, only to be met with insults."

"A gift?" Fury asked. "And what do you have that I could possibly want, besides your unconditional surrender?"

Loki moved his hands in the air, crossing them above each other, and a box tied with a red bow appeared in his hands. He leant over and placed it on the desk in front of Fury.

"What's this? A bomb?"

Loki chuckled. "Why would I bring you something like that?"

"Oh, you know, the whole supervillain thing you have going on."

"I can assure you that it is completely safe. Merely a token of my good will towards you, Director. It simply would not be proper to propose marriage without first courting you."

Fury eyed Loki suspiciously, and then moved his gaze back to the box. He had to admit to himself that he was itching to know what was inside it, and hesitantly raised his hands to undo the bow.

The box fell open; Fury jumped out of his chair, and shouted, "What the hell is this?"

"That is the Black Master," Loki answered. "He's a little known villain from Croatia, but he was about to cause some significant problems for your Avengers with his new plan."

"And where is the _rest_ of him?" Fury asked, as he stared at the severed head that lay on his desk, surrounded by gift wrap, and with a look of terror frozen onto its dead face.

"I presume in Croatia, where I left it," Loki replied. "Unless he has the ability to regenerate himself, but I doubt that."

"Get out and take this damn thing with you!" Fury shrieked.

Loki looked confused and asked, "You do not like your gift?"

"Hell no!" Fury exclaimed.

"But I thought your SHIELD wanted to vanquish all villains?"

"We generally like our prisoners _alive_," Fury replied.

Loki's face crumpled into a look of sadness. "I-I apologise for the misunderstanding. I'm afraid I sometimes struggle with the customs of Midgard and I hope you will not take offence at my misstep."

Before Fury could answer Loki reached across the desk, grabbed the head by a clump of a hair and then vanished in a flash of green light.

There was a crash as the door flew open, hitting the wall behind it, and Captain America charged into the room, then stopped. "Where is he? They said Loki was here."

"He's gone," Fury replied, observing the patch of blood on his desk that has seeped from the neck stump of the head. "And he took his little gift with him."

"Gift, sir?" Steve asked, a smirk creeping across his face.

"What the hell are you laughing at?" Fury demanded angrily.

"Nothing, sir. Just kinda glad it's not me this time," Steve replied.

"Get the hell out of my office!" Fury shouted, waving his hand.

~0~

It had been a tough week for Fury. Loki turning up in his office had been a shock, but he hadn't even been a blip on SHIELD's radar for the rest of the week, and he had quickly been forgotten about when a High School teacher had been conducting illegal experiments and accidentally turned himself into some kind of slime monster.

There was realistically no such thing as a day off for Fury, but in the quiet moments, between battles and arguments and endless plans, he liked to grab what he called his 'me time' where he spent an hour in a steaming hot bath, listening to Michael Buble. He knew Stark would have a field day if he could see him now, but Nick didn't give a shit. He'd earned this.

He dunked his head under the water, letting the heat work its wonders on his aching shoulders for a moment, and when he rose out of the water, his head covered in a large glob of lavender scented bubbles, he came face to face with a man who was hogtied with green ribbons.

~0~

The man that had been deposited in Fury's bathroom, with a gift tag around his neck, had turned out to be an English villain by the name of Professor Shadow, who had developed a new form of sonic explosive device and had intended to use it on Parliament the next day.

Fury ordered Thor to get his little brother under control, but Thor had blanched at the suggestion and said, "If I attempt to tell Loki what to do, I fear it will make his behaviour worse. Perhaps we should allow him continue on this course of action until he tires of it."

With no other suggestions, and no idea of Loki's whereabouts, they had no choice, and random gift-wrapped villains continued to appear everywhere Fury went. By the end of the first week they had four new prisoners. By the end of the second week they had 12 and Fury hated to admit it but right now Loki was doing a far better job of cleaning up the streets than SHIELD were.

Nick made a decision. He would play along with Loki for now, he would pretend to be interested in him, but demand more gifts, because every villain he turned in was one less they would have to fight later.

~0~

It was past midnight on a Sunday when Fury woke, suddenly aware of the presence in his bedroom.

"Why are you in my room?" Fury asked, as he opened his eye and saw Loki perched on a chair by the bed with a peaceful look on his face.

"All is well. Did you like my gifts?" he said softly.

"Yes, I did, and now I repeat, why are you in my room?"

"I simply enjoy watching you sleep," Loki purred, and then he smiled gently. "You know, I used to watch my father sleep a lot. With the eye patch you almost remind me of hi-"

Nick watched as Loki stopped speaking and swallowed nervously, as if he was fighting the urge to vomit.

He stood up, and said, "If you'll excuse me. I think I need to leave."

That was the last time Fury saw Loki.

~0~

~0~

Of all the people he could have chosen, Bruce had figured he was pretty safe from Loki's advances. After all, he had used the god to rearrange Tony's flooring, so when Loki turned up in his lab he decided to play it cool, even though he was surprised.

Loki must really be desperate if he was here, and desperation sometimes turned to violence.

"Let me guess," Bruce said, as he put his clipboard down and took off his glasses. "You've come to try to marry me?"

"How did you guess?" Loki asked as he sauntered across the room.

"You've tried it with pretty much everyone else. I'm a little sad that I'm so far down your list though," Bruce replied.

"If it is any consolation there are at least 9 more people on my list before I reach Stark."

"Ahh," Bruce said, as he pulled out a stool and sat down. "Come on then. Let's hear your best line."

"I beg your pardon?" Loki asked.

"You are here to ask me to marry you, right?" he asked, and Loki nodded. "Let's hear how you intend to talk me into it."

Loki stood in front of him for a second, and as he started to go down on one knee he asked, "Banner, would you do me the great hon-"

"No, no," Bruce interrupted, and Loki stood back up. "You can't go straight in for the proposal. I need a little romance first. I need a little wooing."

"I h-have written you a poem," Loki said, as he pulled out a piece of parchment and held it in his shaking hands.

"A poem?" Bruce asked, a grin pulling at the corners of his mouth. "I'd love to hear it." Loki held out the piece of paper, and Bruce held his hand up. "I prefer to hear poetry rather than read it. It just makes it so much more effective, don't you think?"

Loki looked at him nervously, and said, "Very well. It is called _Let me list the ways I love you_."

He cleared his throat and began to read.

_"Your skin of shining green,_

_The way you are so mean, _

_How you pound my body into the floor. _

_I wish you would do that more."_

Loki paused for a second, his eyes briefly flitting between Banner and the paper in his hand, and said, "You do realise I mean in a sexual sense and not in a violent way, yes?"

"Oh sure," Bruce said. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Loki looked back down at the paper. "Are you sure you would not rather read it yourself?"

"Positive. Carry on."

Loki coughed nervously and began to read again.

_"I love the way you bellow and roar, _

_Louder even than the mighty Thor. _

_I love your chest and your trousers of purple, _

_Your teeth, your skin, _ _your hair as soft as a Gerbil."_

Bruce's shoulders started to shake slightly as he tried not to laugh, but a small snort escaped him.

"Oh," Loki said as he looked up. "Do you find this amusing?"

"Gerbil?" Bruce laughed. "You're a god and you just rhymed Purple with _Gerbil_?"

"Well, what do you expect?" Loki shrieked. "Nothing rhymes with Purple! Why couldn't you wear trousers of black? I could have rhymed _that_ with ball sac!"

Bruce laughed out loud, unable to stop the cackling that started in his chest and erupted from his body, making his shoulders heave.

Loki frowned and said, "Oh never mind." He vanished in a flash of green light, and Bruce was still laughing ten minutes later.

~0~

~0~

Loki lay on his bed in his hotel room, fighting the ridiculous urge to weep like a baby. When had he become so needy? He had always preferred his own company and independence, so he really didn't know why he was feeling like this.

He never really felt _lonely _until he had started looking for someone to marry, and yet here he was, with an aching feeling in his chest, longing for someone to share his life with.

Everyone had rejected him, and with no family or countrymen to call his own, Loki felt like he was destined to be forever alone, but in his misery he had forgotten to log onto the net that day, and his inbox contained one email.

_**From:**__ IQute. _

_**To:**__ Loki of Asgard and Future King of the Nine Realms._

**_Congratulations! We found your perfect match!_**

_You and your partner matched in the following categories: _

_Self rated intelligence level: 100%_

_Self rated looks level: 100%_

_Self rated skills level: 100%_

_Log in to your account for more details._

* * *

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far! Next chapter will be up tomorrow :-)


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_Tags: Accidental marriage, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.  
**Notes: **Although this is slash, it is not very explicit really.

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 4/14**

~0~

Tony was surprised when he got an email through from a website called _IQute_ saying they had found the perfect dating match for him, especially since he had absolutely no memory of ever joining the site.

His relationship with Pepper had kinda fizzled out after the whole attack on New York thing, mostly because she thought they should leave the tower and head back to Malibu, but Tony couldn't bear to drag himself away in case there was another attack.

As he threw himself into his work, desperately trying to avoid the nightmares that plagued his sleep, Pepper started to drift away from him as he found solace in the company of those who had stood by his side during the attack.

They knew what it was like to face off against the alien invaders in a way that Pepper never could, they knew what he had been through when he flew towards the portal, and as much as Pepper had tried to explain how she felt that day when she had watched the attack, Tony just couldn't share how he felt with her.

He knew he was pushing her away, and he knew she deserved better, but no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't let her into what he had experienced in the skies over Manhattan.

When Pepper announced, with tears in her eyes, that she was moving back to California, Tony knew it was his fault their relationship had crumbled, and as he hugged her at the airport and wished her goodbye he hoped that one day he might have the strength to open up to her. For now, until that day, it was over.

~0~

Tony busied himself making armour, he ate healthily and cut down on his drinking. He stopped attending events that would lead him into the arms of a supermodel and religiously avoided watching the news in case it showed footage of the attacks.

Sometimes he found himself looking up into the sky above the tower, thinking _'That's where I almost died' _and as his heart rate and breathing would start to increase he would run back to his workshop and build something to keep him safe.

He'd had a rough night when the dating email arrived out of the blue. He'd fallen asleep on the sofa in his workshop and woken in a cold sweat from some dream he couldn't quite recall, just images of falling and hoping someone would catch him.

Tony read the strange email, deducing that he had probably joined the site while drunk, lonely, and in a fit of pique some time just after Pepper had left him. He considered deleting it, until he realised the person he'd been matched with was male, and apparently a tall, dark and incredibly handsome male judging by the description they had written about themselves.

It had been a long time since Tony had been with a man, and he hadn't even toyed with the idea since his college days, but the idea intrigued him now as he thought back to all those furtive fumbling sessions when he was a teenager, desperately hoping his dad would never find out.

He didn't have to worry about any of that now. He replied to the message before he could change his mind, naming a bar and a time, saying he was free the next evening, and was surprised when not 5 minutes later he had a reply confirming that the tall, dark and handsome man would attend.

~0~

Tony woke the next morning and wondered briefly what the hell he had done. He had a date with a _guy_ whose photo he had never seen, who might very well turn out to be a knife wielding maniac.

He considered cancelling for a while, worrying that it might be a set up and some supervillain would be waiting to kidnap him, but on inspection of his own profile he realised no one would ever be able to guess it was him.

No real names were ever used, he'd only filled in half his dating survey, rating himself 100% for looks, intelligence and every other thing, _obviously_.

As his profile photo he'd uploaded a picture of his own shoe for some reason that probably seemed completely logical to his drunken mind. He was pretty sure no one would guess it was him from a shoe. It _was_ a very nice shoe though he had to admit.

Yup, he decided, he was going on this date, even if it killed him… which it probably would and half his bones would wash up on the banks of the Hudson in about six months time.

~0~

Tony was fashionably late when he arrived at the bar, but not so late that his date would think he had been stood up, and from across the impeccably decorated room he could see a figure sat at the bar dressed in a well-tailored black suit. His hair was glossy and dark and tumbled down over his collar slightly in a manner that was anything but haphazard.

Tony sauntered across to the bar, stood next to the man, and said, "Well, I guess you're waiting for me?"

The man's shoulders appeared to hunch for a second, going tight with tension, and then he turned.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Tony gasped.

"I could ask the same thing about you," Loki responded, his eyes still wide in shock. "Has the mighty Stark fallen so far that he must trawl the Internet for companionship?"

"Pot calling the kettle black there, big fella, 'cause if I remember rightly you were on that website too, so rubber, glue, and all that stuff."

Loki's brow wrinkled. "What are you babbling about? Was that a bizarre invitation to do battle?"

Battle… An image of his insides spread all over the bar as Loki gleefully played with his organs crossed Tony's mind, and he started to wish he had brought his suit with him, even if he'd barely been out of the damn thing lately.

If it wasn't Loki causing a shit storm it was Doom, or fucking Magneto or some other asshole that suddenly decided that in the wake of the Chitauri attack that it was a _really _great time to try to over the world. Did he really want to do battle with Loki? Pretty obvious answer.

Tony sighed, pulled out a chair, sat down and raised his hand. "To be honest, I think I'd rather have a drink." The bartender appeared before him and Tony ordered a scotch. "Leave the bottle," he said when the man placed his drink in front of him.

Loki looked Tony up and down for a moment, and said, "That website is plainly useless. I swore I specified that I should only be contacted by people over 6ft tall."

"Yeah, well everyone lies on those surveys. I noticed you didn't mention your tendencies towards world domination," Tony replied as he drained his drink and held up his glass. "So you use the internet, huh?"

"Of course. You think it would be too complicated for me?" Loki asked

Tony downed his glass of scotch, refilled his glass, and turned to Loki. "I just didn't realise google translate had an Asgardian setting."

"I am over a thousand years old, Stark, I can read and write thousands of languages from all the nine realms despite being able to speak the all tongue… Although I must admit I have many problems with the language known as text speak."

"Everyone over the age of about 15 does, so I wouldn't worry about that one."

Loki suddenly looked serious and leant over, moving his mouth close to Tony's ear. "Perhaps you could explain one thing to me that I have never understood?"

"What's that?" Tony asked lowly as he refilled his glass again.

"Why do cats want cheeseburger?" Loki asked seriously. "Do they crave the dairy?"

Tony sat up in his chair and stifled a laugh.

"What?" Loki asked with a perplexed look on his face.

"Are you _really _the guy who tried to take over our planet?"

"Are you having memory issues, Stark?"

"No, I'm just finding it a little hard to believe that someone who doesn't even understand internet memes could possibly have caused _that _much devastation," Tony replied and then downed his drink in one.

"It wasn't enough devastation as far as I am concerned," Loki grumbled and he grabbed the bottle of scotch and filled his glass to the brim.

"You really are an unrepentant son of a bitch aren't you? You don't feel any guilt about what you did at all."

"Guilt?" Loki asked, momentarily taken aback. "Do you feel guilt when you swat a fly?"

"You killed _people_, not flies, it's totally different."

"It's all a matter of perspective, Stark. Let me assure you, the lives of mortals mean very little to gods."

Tony had lost count of the number of glasses of scotch he had drank already in the short time he had been sat at the bar. The bottle had been almost full when the bartender left it, and now it was almost half empty. He knew Loki had just downed a rather large glass, but judging by the way the world was starting to feel fuzzy at the edges Tony realised he must have drank a hell of a lot of it in about the space of ten minutes, which was _not _good.

He knew he should be steering the conversation away from topics that would likely end up with his brains smeared all over the walls, but his sudden burst of alcohol fuelled confidence just wouldn't quit loosening his tongue.

Baiting Norse gods seemed to be his hobby lately, even when they were coming at him with a pointy stick of death it didn't seem to put him off, so now he'd had a drink he didn't really give a flying fuck.

"So what about Coulson then?" Tony asked. "Sure, I can understand the lives of lowly, faceless humans mean very little to you, but you must have seen him before maybe in New Mexico or on the Helicarrier. He wasn't just some fly to be swatted, that man was my friend."

"Ah, Agent Coulson, yes, I was aware of who he was," Loki said. He took a large drink from his glass and continued, "He should be thanking me. So few mortals are afforded the honour of a good death these days."

"A good death?" Tony asked incredulously.

"Yes," Loki replied. "A good death, the chance to enter Valhalla with your sword in your hand, is something that every single Asgardian strives for. It is an honour that even I will likely not even receive."

"So you don't get to go to Viking heaven? Well, boo hoo," Tony replied sarcastically, sticking out his bottom lip.

Loki turned to Tony, a sudden look of annoyance crossing his face. "Do you care so little for your life that you would anger me, Stark? I could arrange for you to enter Valhalla too, if you would _dare _to stand up and fight me."

"Oh, I'd fight you," Tony replied, slurring his words slightly as the room started to spin around him. "Not so sure about the whole standing up deal though."

"You are intoxicated already?" Loki asked, and Tony nodded. "We have barely finished the bottle. I had forgotten that you mortals lack the stamina to keep up with the gods."

"I have stamina. I can keep going all night!" Tony said, suddenly pawing at Loki's arm. "Aren't we supposed to be on a date?"

"We were, but then you ruined the mood by discussing unsavoury matters," Loki sniffed.

"Nah, unsavoury matters are never wrong on a date, providing they are the right kind of unsavoury matters… if you get what I mean," Tony said, then he leaned closer. "I totally mean the dirty sex stuff by that."

"I understood that, yes," Loki nodded.

"So whadaya say? Huh? My place or yours?"

"I would have you, Stark," Loki replied. "Although perhaps my chambers would be better."

"Cool, I've always wanted to see what a supervillain's lair looks like. Cheque please," Tony said as he hopped off his chair and tottered to the right slightly. "I must admit I'm quite interested to see what it's like to have sex with a god. It'd be nice to see how the other half live."

Loki raised an eyebrow. "You consider yourself a talented lover?"

"Never had any complaints," Tony said as he threw money on the bar, and said, "Keep the change."

"I shall look forward to it," Loki replied as they headed towards the door.

~0~

~0~

Tony was woken by a strange sound, a gentle keening, not unlike the noise a dying animal would make, and quickly discovered that the noise was coming from him.

He dragged his tongue away from the dry roof of his mouth and licked his sore lips, before peeling open his eyelids and then snapping them shut. The room was too bright and he silently cursed himself for forgetting to close his bedroom blinds the night before, but as he blinked his vision cleared and he saw Stark Tower sitting on the horizon opposite.

"What the hell?" Tony snapped, suddenly sitting upright in the bed. "Where am I?"

"Do be quiet, Stark, it is despicably early," Loki mumbled from beneath the sheets, with only a few strands of his black hair poking out from beneath the jumbled mass of white cotton.

Tony let out a yelp of surprise and shot out of the bed, and then another when he looked down and realised he was naked.

"Oh my god," Tony cried as he backed across the room, dragging one of the sheets with him. "Did you drug my drink? Did you drug my drink and do stuff to me?"

Loki rolled his eyes. "You were not _that _drunk when we came back here, Stark, stop playing coy. We had a coffee while you sobered up, _then _we had sex. For Odin's sake, do you think I would take advantage of your drunk state to get you into bed?"

"You're a villain, so you might. Plus I know what you said to Natasha."

"I am not _that _kind of villain. I may threaten things of an unsavoury nature, but it is simply because they are effective and they get me the reaction I want."

"So why don't I remember much of it?"

"I did warn you not to order that champagne from room service afterwards and you drank far too much at the at the reception," Loki replied. "I told you it was a bad idea, but you didn't listen to me."

"Reception?" Tony asked, shaking his head in confusion.

"Our wedding reception," Loki stated calmly, "And to be honest I'm rather upset that you don't appear to remember what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives."

"We're _married_?" Tony cried.

"And I suppose this will be our first quarrel," Loki said, more talking to himself than to Tony. "Mother did warn me that once the vows are complete people change. I just didn't expect you to change quite _this _quickly."

"Change from what? From drunk to sober?" Tony shouted. "You're joking right? This is some big prank and any second now you will laugh and say you did it to get me back for the cheeseburger thing… right?

"I'm afraid it is all completely legal," Loki said, as he pulled out a folder and handed it Tony. "It took a fair amount of spell work to get the necessary paperwork, but it is indeed binding. We are married."

"And it was…" Tony could hardly bring himself to say the words, "Consummated?"

"Oh, yes," Loki said. "Repeatedly."

"I didn't think you would… swing that way."

Loki rolled his eyes and said, "I'm a god, Stark. I swing any way which pleases me."

"I thought you Vikings were all macho warriors and not into… _that_."

"I gave up long ago worrying about what Asgard thinks of my preferences."

Tony opened his mouth to make some sarcastic comment about the whole horse sex situation and then a vague memory surfaced.

_Laying on the white cotton sheets illuminated by the glow of the lights outside, Loki's black hair spilling across the pristine pillow, squirming and panting as Tony kissed his way down his spine._

"Oh…" Tony simply said, and Loki's mouth twisted into a grin. "Did you do some kind of mind control spell on me?"

"There was no need for that. I exude pheromones that mortals find it impossible to resist."

"Really?" Tony asked desperately.

"No, Stark, I'm lying," Loki replied with a smirk. "You were practically _begging _for it by the time we got to my room. No spells were necessary."

"It doesn't matter. I employ some of the best lawyers in the country," Tony said as he started pulling on his trousers, which he found discarded on the floor. "The second they open I'll be down that office and you'll be in court by the end of the week."

Loki's face suddenly darkened and he snarled, "I know my rights, Stark. If you think I am not well acquainted with the laws of this land you are sorely mistaken and I will take half of everything you own if you attempt to divorce me."

Tony let out a snorting laugh. "Have you forgotten who you are? You're a villain. You're _the _villain. No judge in any court is gonna give you a damn thing of mine."

"Really?" Loki asked, raising one eyebrow and shuffling across the bed till he was on his knees, wrapped in a white sheet.

Tony suddenly felt slightly exposed, vulnerable, and nervous. He decided it was unwise to show it. "Yes, really."

"And what if I do this?" Loki asked.

Tony instinctively closed his eyes, raising his arms for protection as he waited for the blow that was sure to come… but instead he heard gentle sobbing and when he opened his eyes Loki was sat in front him with tears rolling down his face.

"_That's_ your big plan?" Tony asked. "You're going to cry in court and the judge will take pity on you?"

"I know my strengths, Stark, and I always play to them. I am well aware of the fact that I cry _ever _so prettily and I am more than able to use that to my advantage."

"Have you ever met a divorce lawyer? They're tough people. The sight of you with a snotty nose isn't going to phase them."

"Thor is a battle hardened warrior and yet he falls for it every time. Odin is the most powerful being in all the realms and yet…" Loki sniffed audibly, and looked at Tony with puppy dog eyes.

"Oh knock it off will ya? It's not gonna work on me," Tony said.

Loki turned suddenly, and then glanced back over his shoulder, wringing his hands together. "And so it seems I am undone. I will be returned to Asgard to face whatever punishment the All Father will concoct. I do hope it isn't as painful as last time… or as long."

Tony watched as Loki clutched the edge of the bed sheet and dabbed his eyes delicately as he wept, and softly asked, "Last time? What did they do last time?

"A thousand years of acid snake venom dripping on my face with absolutely no respite. A thousand years of feeling my flesh rot, bubble and burn," he answered forlornly as fresh tears rolled down his cheeks.

"What did you do to earn that?"

"The battle in New York, of course," Loki replied, looking up at Tony.

"But… Thor said you were kept in a prison cell and you were only gone six months."

"The all father has the power to force time to pass differently. For every day that passed in this world many years passed in my cell. Years of constant agony every single day."

Tony stood; feeling oddly overwhelmed by the sight of Loki crying, even though he knew the guy was a villain and had deserved the punishment. A thousand years of snake venom burning his skin, though? Even though Tony had seen what Loki had done, even though he had been on the receiving end of Loki's violence, he suddenly felt strangely conflicted.

"A thousand years is a bit extreme, I guess," he said quietly.

"If you divorce me they will come for me and take me back to that cell," Loki cried. "I could not stand another thousand years in there, and maybe this time it will be longer. The all father will consider my transgressions so great that he may leave there forever."

As Loki threw himself forward onto the bed and began to sob Tony started to feel guilty. Could he really condemn someone to an eternity of torture? Could he live with knowing he had done that, no matter who they were? If they were just going to cart him off to a jail cell he could probably be fine with that, but this was… barbaric.

"I won't send you back, OK?" Tony said as he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Loki into his arms.

The sobbing turned to a low chuckle and Tony pulled back. "You _bastard_. Did you just fake all that?"

"Did I not warn you well enough just a short while ago?" Loki asked, as he sat up and wiped his face. "My tears are one of my most effective weapons and I know how to wield them."

"I'm done for aren't I?" Tony asked. "I've seen you kill people and even I fell for it."

"I believe you are, yes. You are stuck with me, Stark, unless you want to lose everything," Loki replied as he lay back against the pillows.

"Shit!" Tony exclaimed. "Pepper is going to _kill _me."

Loki gasped mockingly and held his hand to chest. "You mean I am to be a widower already?"

"I meant metaphorically, not literally… Although it might actually be literally when she finds out _who_ I married."

"Then perhaps we should lay together one last time," Loki said seductively as he patted the bed next to him. "It seems such a shame that you do not remember how good it was."

"It was good, huh?" he replied, suddenly perking up.

"I have lain with many in my time, Stark, and yes, it was… enjoyable."

"Hmmmm," Tony hummed. "Well, if you think I was good while _that_ drunk, maybe I should show you how much better I am when sober."

"You believe you can satisfy a god? I like your confidence," Loki replied.

"I like a challenge," Tony replied, and he dived onto the bed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_Tags: Accidental marriage, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.

**Notes: **I am very sorry I didn't post a chapter yesterday. Ended up in hospital overnight LOL. I am home now and completely fine, but I have had about 2 hours sleep, so if this chapter has any spelling errors or timeline problems I will correct those tomorrow. I would usually pick those up on the final read through, but I am so tired I can barely see, sorry!

On the plus side though, I was terribly bored and started writing my NEXT fic ;-)

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 5/14**

~0~

Tony lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling, feeling pretty damn pleased with himself. It wasn't every day you made a god, or an incredibly long-lived alien who claimed to be a god, come all over his own chest.

Thinking back on what had just happened, bearing in mind that it was now late afternoon and they got down to it some time around 9am, Tony decided time must move differently on Asgard, or at the very least was perceived differently.

Something that would count as a hell of a long time on Earth, must seem like a blink of an eye when you had been alive for over a thousand years and looked like you hadn't even hit 35 yet.

"Aside from our fun last night I have not had sex in over 100 years, so I still may finish a little sooner than is customary," Loki had told him, as he pushed Tony back, and climbed up his body.

"No need to apologise," Tony replied.

"That was not an apology," Loki said. "I was merely informing you."

"Oh, OK."

Loki moaned as he rubbed himself against Tony's crotch, allowing his head to roll backwards, exposing his pale neck, and Tony was desperate to touch him, to run his hands up his smooth chest and over his collarbones. He reached up, but before he could even get his fingertips onto that milky white skin, Loki let go of the bed frame and grabbed Tony's wrist.

"I did not give you permission to touch me," Loki said.

"S-sorry," Tony stammered, his heart pounding, half terrified, and half the most turned on he had ever been in his whole life.

Loki was strange really. When you saw him stood next to Thor he looked thinner, wiry, almost delicate in a way, but in reality, once the clothes were off he was anything but. Underneath that armour he was all taut muscle without an ounce of fat. What might look skinny from far away was still scarily intimidating up close.

"You will be allowed to touch me… eventually," Loki said, as he let go of Tony's hand. "I suspect now would be a good time to remove those trousers."

Tony ripped the buttons of his jeans open, pushed them down, under Loki's body, and then kicked his feet until they worked off and fell on the floor.

"Eager, aren't we? I like that," Loki said. "Although, I do hope you don't do everything quite that quickly."

"If you don't hurry up I'm gonna come from this little lap dance you're given me."

"Patience is a virtue you apparently never learned," Loki said, as he released the bed frame and ran a delicate finger down Tony's chest and around the arc reactor.

"There's condoms and lube in my jacket," Tony said, panting out the words.

Loki snorted and said, "I have no need of those, Stark. Even if you were riddled with infection, it would not harm me."

"And I take it the myths are all false and you can't get pregnant?" he asked, and Loki tilted his head to one side and shrugged indifferently.

Tony suddenly felt vulnerable as Loki placed both hands on the bed, and then edged up his body, until he could feel his breath on his face. He'd spent most of his encounters with Loki in the past being thrown through windows, blown up, and attacked by an alien army, so usually getting this close to Loki meant something very, VERY bad was about to happen, and Tony still couldn't shake that feeling, even as he felt Loki take hold of him.

So yeah, Loki had apologised, said he wouldn't last long, but _wow_ that god of lies nickname was accurate. Every time Tony came Loki would spend considerable time coaxing him back into life, and then they would go at it again.

Hours, _hours_ of sweating and panting and moaning later, Loki finally came, and exhausted and aching as Tony was, the goddamn look on his face when it happened as his back arched, his mouth hung open and he made a noise like a cat being having its tail stood on made the whole thing worth it.

Tony thought for a while, mulling over his options. Earlier his brain had been screaming _Divorce! Divorce! Divorce!_ And now he was wondering, would it really hurt to spend a couple of weeks just having sex with an alien god who just happened to be completely insatiable?

I mean whose business was it who he took to bed? Fury's? Well, yeah probably since Loki was the resident big bad, but apart from that who would really care? Steve and Bruce? Yeah, maybe. Clint? _Definitely_. Clint had threatened to put an arrow through Loki's eye before and when he heard this news he was probably going to make sure that Tony was standing in front of Loki when he fired that arrow.

Then again, he thought, the sex was particularly spectacular, and it might we worth dealing with everyone else's bullshit just for another few rounds of that. Loki's ridiculous stamina was an issue though. Tony knew after a week or two he would probably needs hip replacements if this morning was anything to go by.

He needed to visit the nearest sex shop and buy their entire stock of toys, _OR_, even better, he needed to start a new sideline in Stark Industries and start inventing sex toys himself. He would make something that perfectly replicated the feeling of having your cock sucked by Loki, that amazing combination of soft tongue, sucking and occasional graze of tooth. Damn, if he could duplicate that perfect mouth he was going to be fucking rich. Or more rich. Or something.

"I can practically _hear_ you smiling, Stark," Loki said with a chuckle, as he rolled over onto his back. "Such self congratulation on your performance is most unbecoming."

"C'mon, you have to admit that was fantastic," Tony said.

"It was… adequate," Loki purred.

"Adequate? At one point I thought your head was gonna spin round."

"If you think that was good wait until we try it with a fortifying spell that will make you last for hours at a time."

"Hours?" Tony asked. "I'm up for that."

"You will be, and all night too," Loki replied, turning his head slightly and cocking an eyebrow at Tony.

"So… I don't know about you but I could really go for some food and a good cup of coffee."

"That sounds agreeable," Loki replied as he climbed out of the bed and began putting on his clothes that were neatly piled on the chair in the corner of the room.

"And then afterwards maybe we can try this fortifying spell?" Tony asked hopefully as he grabbed his trousers from where he had discarded them at the bottom of the bed.

"I think we need to work out way up to that, St-" Loki was interrupted by a bright flash in the room, and before he could even react he was hit by a huge bolt of golden light and collapsed backwards onto the bed.

Tony's vision cleared and as he lowered his arms he found himself facing two towering men dressed in gold armour plating. The largest, with arms that were wider than Tony's neck, stepped forward and began to speak.

"Man of Iron, we have been sent by Odin all father to release you from the clutches of Loki. My king sends his deepest apologies that he was not able to deal with this matter earlier."

"You're here from Asgard?" Tony asked, as Loki began to stir on the bed, mumbling and whining in pain.

"Aye, we are members of the Einherjar, and we are entrusted with the safety of our realm."

"And you've come to take Loki back?"

"Loki escaped Asgard without finishing his punishment. We have been tasked with returning him to his cell," the guard said, and then his face suddenly turned hard. "Stand aside. I do not wish to harm you, but if you attempt to prevent us from carrying out our duties we will not hesitate to use force."

"Are you _threatening_ me?" Tony asked, his eyebrows shooting up.

"I will not return with you," Loki choked out, his voice rough and pained. "I will not return to that cell."

The guard moved past Tony and towards the bed. He grabbed Loki's wrist roughly and dragged him over the covers.

Loki screamed in pain as the guard twisted his wrist tightly, placing the bones underneath under unbearable pressure, and shouted, "I will not go back there!"

Tony watched as the man pulled Loki closer then placed a hand around his neck. Part him wondered if he should let them take Loki, then he wouldn't have to worry about getting a divorce when the afterglow wore off, the reactions of his team mates, and Pepper. Oh god Pepper was still going to kill him when she found out what he'd done. But watching Loki scream in pain and trying to fight back against the guards stirred something within him.

"Hey, don't be so rough with him, OK?" he blurted out, surprising even himself.

"Loki is a traitor!" the guard shouted, as the second man moved over and tried to restrain Loki's feet as he struggled wildly with tears spilling down his face. "Do not interfere, Man of Iron, or you will face Odin's wrath along with the criminal."

"You can't take him because he's mine," Tony said, "And I _really_ don't like people touching my stuff."

Loki suddenly stopped struggling and looked up at Tony.

"Yours?" the guard asked gruffly.

"We're married. Legal and binding," Tony said, picking up the folder full of documents, and a couple of dodgy Polaroid pictures of him stood at a cheap altar wearing a Black Sabbath T Shirt and carrying an almost empty bottle of champagne as Loki held him up, looking suspiciously sober and with a self satisfied grin plastered over his face. "That makes him a citizen of the United States of America and if you want to take him out of the country you'll have to get an extradition order or else Asgard will find itself in a really sticky political situation."

Loki looked from Tony to guards and then back again, as if he were unable to comprehend what was happening.

The Einherjar's face crumpled in confusion. "Extradition order?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, not familiar with the law then? Perhaps you should hire yourself a good lawyer 'cause you're gonna need one if you try to take my wife."

"Husband," Loki corrected.

"Whatever," Tony replied and then he turned back to the guard. "So is Odin in the habit of disobeying the laws of another realm?"

"The all father respects the rules and traditions of other lands," the guard said, as he released his grip on Loki. "We must return to Asgard with this information and await his judgement."

"Toodle-oo," Tony replied, as the guards stood upright and golden light began to appear around them. "Don't hurry back."

With the guards gone Loki suddenly bolted for the bed, throwing himself face down onto the covers, and then cradling his wrist into his body.

"Did they hurt you?" Tony asked.

"Nothing that won't heal," came the muffled reply.

As Tony sat on the bed, he gently ran his fingers through Loki's hair as shudders of pain still wracked his body, and then he realised he had just stopped the Avengers number one enemy from being imprisoned. Fury was gonna have his head on a pike for that.

"I thought you would have teleported away or something," Tony asked, wondering why Loki hadn't just split the moment those guys appeared.

"The light that hit me was a powerful spell designed to cause intense pain. I could not even think to speak at first, let alone utilise my magic," Loki replied, as faint trembles ran through the muscles of his back.

"That's fighting dirty," Tony replied, wondering why he hadn't come up with something like that first, back when Loki was his enemy, which he totally still was, despite the whole marriage thing. And the sex, don't forget the spectacularly awesome sex which made everything worthwhile.

"Was what you told them true?" Loki asked, turning his head to the side so Tony could see his red-rimmed eyes. "Am I really allowed to stay here now?"

"Probably not," Tony shrugged. "But they don't know that, do they?"

"So why did you do that? Why didn't you just let them take me back?"

"To sit in a cell with snake venom dripping on your forever? C'mon, I may be an occasional asshole, but I'm not _that_ kind of asshole. I wouldn't condemn anyone to that kind of torture."

Loki looked at him, slightly confused. "But… I made that up."

"Dammit, I forgot that!" Tony cried. He sighed and drew his hand away, knowing he should be annoyed as hell, but mostly he wasn't, even though he knew the shit was about to hit the fan the second he left this hotel room and had to explain where he'd been.

Loki sniffed loudly; wiping his eyes on the corner of the sheet as Tony moved his hand back, in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.

And there it was, Tony realised, the little pull in his chest, a little warm trickle of emotion that indicated that he actually gave a shit about another human being… alien… god… _whatever_.

Could they send him to jail for this? Would he get to share a nice cosy little glass cell with Loki? Hell, the guards would get a damn good show. Tony could almost imagine Fury's one eye out on a stalk and the little veins on his scalp pulsing with anger as he watched them going at it. That was definitely something he wouldn't mind seeing.

Was he really considering carrying on with this, he asked himself, and a little voice somewhere deep inside, probably in his underwear, shouted back 'You better believe we are.'

And that was it. The decision was made. There would be time later to worry about reactions, and lawsuits, and the inevitable trial by tabloid, but for now all he gave a shit about was the guy who was sniffling loudly on the bed next to him.

"Are you faking those tears?" Tony asked.

"Yes," Loki replied softly.

"Liar," Tony said as he continued to stroke his hair gently.

He really was fucked.

~0~

~0~

So they stayed at the hotel for a couple of days, ordering room service and watching TV and having all the awesome sex Tony's hips could handle, but eventually reality began to creep in. 24 missed calls, several frantic voicemails from Pepper and one annoyed voicemail from Fury later, Tony decided it was time to head back to the tower and face the music.

He rang Steve before they left, and asked him to gather any Avengers who were there in the living room as he had an important announcement to make. He and Loki discussed how they were going to manage this big reveal with the least possible fighting and decided it would be best to take the chicken shit way out and Loki shifted his appearance so he could be introduced first as Tony's new wife. Once they had got over the initial shock that he was actually married they could move on to the _really_ shocking part of the news about just _who_ he had married.

"Are you well?" Loki asked, as they stood in the lift up to the penthouse. "You appear to be shaking."

"Just a little worried about how they will take this."

"I imagine they will take it badly," Loki replied.

There was a ping as the lift stop and the doors slid open to reveal Steve, Bruce, and Natasha waiting for them.

"Where are Clint and Thor?" Tony asked, as he exited the lift, pulling Loki behind him.

"Thor was called back to Asgard and Clint is doing some work for Fury so your guess is as good as mine," Natasha replied.

"Well, might as well get this over with," Tony said as he gently took Loki's elbow in his hand.

"What's going on?" Bruce asked.

"I got married!" Tony announced. As he looked round the room, expecting a hearty round of congratulations, he was quite surprised at the silence that followed his announcement and added a quiet, "Yay."

Everyone looked momentarily staggered by the news, and then Steve stepped forward and shook Tony's hand. "Congratulations." Then turned to Loki, holding out his hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Ma'am."

"The pleasure is all mine," Loki said, taking Steve's hand.

In turn each Avenger wished Tony well and paused to greet Loki, before Bruce stopped and said, "You look kinda familiar. Do you work here at the tower?"

"No, but we have met before," Loki replied coolly.

"Might as well get this over with," Tony said. "You wanna drop the disguise?"

"Are you sure that is a good idea?" Loki asked.

"Probably not, but go for it anyway."

Tony watched nervously as Loki closed his eyes, and as golden light began to shine around him and his features began to change the Avengers all took a step back.

"What is this?" Steve asked.

"Guys, don't freak out, ok," Tony said as the light began to coalesce and reveal Loki in his true form.

"I married L-," Tony was cut off by the sound of tearing clothes, the thudding of giant feet on his expensive flooring, the breaking of glass and a small scream as Hulk punched Loki so hard he went flying backwards through the window and fell into the street below.

"What the hell did you do that for?" Tony shouted as he ran towards the broken window.

"Hulk punch puny god," he announced almost triumphantly.

"I am _never_ gonna hear the end of this," Tony moaned as he looked out through the shattered pane.

* * *

Posting the next chapter straight away to make up for not posting yesterday :-D


	6. Chapter 6

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_**Tags:** Accidental marriage, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 6/14**

~0~

So after Loki had turned back up at the tower, soaking wet from teleporting himself to above the lake at central park so he didn't faceplant into the concrete outside the tower there was endless rounds of meetings where Fury screamed and Loki sat in the corner looking vaguely amused by the chaos he was causing simply by being present.

"You are under arrest," Fury had said the second he arrived in the tower. "You will be transferred to a top secret facility where you will remain until such time as we can contact your brother and have him return you to Asgard."

"And we all know how well that worked out for you last time," Loki scoffed. "Believe me, if Asgard herself cannot keep me locked away, what hope do you mortals have with your primitive technology?"

"We'll find a way," Fury threatened.

"I am sure you will try, but I am quite familiar with the ways of your realm now and if you do I shall bring a law suit against the beast for the excessive force he used in my capture when I lead the Chitauri against you. It has left me psychologically scarred for life."

"_What?_" Fury asked. "Any psychological problems you have you had long before Banner went anywhere near you."

"And what about the terrible nightmares I have suffered as a result? The panic attacks, the phobia of green?"

"Your cape is green!"

"Then I shall make sure I do not wear it the day I attend court," Loki replied with a feral grin.

"That's preposterous and you know it. You'll never win," Fury growled.

"Oh, I've seen him in action," Tony interjected. "I think he just might if he turns on the waterworks."

"Well perhaps we'll just arrest Stark instead. I'm sure we can pin something on him. Treason for example," Fury said, glaring at Tony.

Loki suddenly leaned forward with a dark look on his face. "If you dare to lift a finger against my husband I will tear your realm to shreds with my bare hands. Trust me, if you believe my attacks in the past were bad they will be nothing compared to the destruction I will rain down upon you and your kind if you attempt to take him from me."

"Are you threatening us?"

"All this unpleasantness can be easily avoided, Director Fury, might I suggest that you simply leave Tony and I to enjoy our honeymoon in peace?" Loki asked. "I have no intention of doing anything other than indulging in carnal pleasure for a good long time."

Tony noticed the way Fury's nose wrinkled in slight disgust and the triumphant grin slowly spread across Loki's face. A tiny little tell, a weak spot, and it was all he needed to know to go in for the kill.

"I intend to take Stark every night," Loki continued. "I am going to have him fuck me in every conceivable position known to mortals and gods, and then probably a few more. I'm going to take him in my mouth and suck him until he comes harder than he has ever come before. I'm going to run my tongue over his balls and back until it reach-"

"Enough!" Fury shouted as he slammed his hand down on the table. He turned to Tony and said, "Stark, if he pulls anything, this is on your head."

Tony grinned at the embarrassed look on Fury's face and said, "Sorry, what? I was kinda distracted by the whole tongue and balls thing."

"Get out of my sight," Fury shouted.

"You're in my house, so really it should be the other way round," Tony said.

Fury stood up and marched towards the door, he opened it, turned back and then pointed at Loki. "I'm keeping my eye on you."

Loki let out a snorting laugh in response as Fury slammed the door behind him, and said, "My, he is a very testy fellow, isn't he?"

"Kinda understandable really. You have tried to kill us all several times."

Loki hummed distractedly, obviously not bothered in the slightest that he'd attempted to wipe out the city on more than one occasion, and then he looked up. "So, bed?"

"I thought you'd never ask," Tony grinned.

~0~

~0~

When Tony had invited the Avengers to live in Stark Tower he had built each one of them an elaborate self contained suite of rooms, complete with their own kitchen, and everything a growing superhero could need, but for some reason everyone ended up congregating in communal areas like it was a goddamn summer camp.

Even Steve who hadn't taken up the offer of a free roof over his head turned up regularly for breakfast and evening meals, but Tony wasn't exactly a morning person so when he didn't come to the communal kitchen for his coffee the next morning no one really thought much about it and simply assumed that Tony was off sulking about being told off and licking his wounds and various other parts of their number one enemy.

The second day when Tony didn't appear they were slightly worried, until Bruce stood in a corridor and watched one of Tony's robots trundling past him carrying a tray filled with freshly delivered food from his favourite restaurant.

On the third day Steve found Bruce in the living room and asked, "Have you seen Tony yet?"

"I haven't, no, and to be honest I'm finding it a little off that he hasn't been up in his lab at least once," Bruce replied.

"Do you think Loki might have… done something to him?"

"I think if he was in danger JARVIS would have alerted us."

Steve tilted his head and looked up. "JARVIS, is Tony OK?"

"Yes, Captain," JARVIS replied calmly. "All his vital signs remain within normal human parameters and he has not reported being in any danger."

"And Loki hasn't done any weird, freaky stuff to him?"

"If you mean weird and freaky stuff in a magical or physical sense then the answer is no," JARVIS replied, and Bruce and Steve shared a small smile. "If, however you mean in a sexual sense, then the answer is very definitely y-"

"Whoa!" Steve said, holding up his hands. "Don't need to know that."

"Very well, sir. Should I inform mister Stark that you were inquiring after his health?"

"No," Steve replied.

"No?" Bruce asked.

"This has gone on for too long. For all we know Loki might have put some mind-altering whammy on him that JARVIS can't detect. I'm going down there to see him."

~0~

Steve knocked on the door to Tony's suite and waited, but other than the muffled sound of laughing through the thick dark oak there was no reply.

"I know you're in there, Tony," Steve said as he banged on the door again. "I'm going to stay out here till you open up and talk to me."

He heard the sound of footsteps and the door flew open.

"What do you want?" Tony asked, standing in the doorway, gripping a bed sheet that was slung low over his hips. "You're kinda ruining my honeymoon for me and my lovely wife."

"Husband," Loki corrected from the sofa, where he lounged completely naked and not remotely embarrassed by it.

"Husband, yeah, whatever," Tony replied, and then turned his attention back to Steve.

"I just wanted to check you were OK," Steve replied, trying to tear his eyes away from the sight of Loki with dishevelled hair, slightly curling with sweat, and his cheeks flushed pink.

"I've honestly never been better," Tony replied.

Steve leaned forward, Tony rolled his eyes, and Steve said, "What? I'm just checking."

"Look closer. See?" Tony said, as pulled his right lower lid down. "My eyes are the same colour they always were. No spells here, just free will to have some incredibly mind blowing sex."

"It's just that you haven't been upstairs in a few days and people are starting to worry."

"And now you can reassure them that I am completely fine," Tony said. "Although if you can ask Bruce if he knows a cure for a sore back after too much… activity, if you get what I mean, I'd be grateful."

"It is such a shame that you didn't take me up on my offer, Captain," Loki shouted from the sofa. "I'm assuming old age and creaking joints would not be an issue for a super soldier such as yourself."

Tony snapped his head round, raised an eyebrow and said, "I'll show you who's old later."

"Oo_ooohh_, I am truly terrified," Loki said with a sarcastic laugh.

"You're getting another spanking for that," Tony said.

"I'll look forward to it," Loki replied as he twirled his long hair between his fingers.

"Surely you can see where I'm coming from?" Steve asked when Tony turned back to face him. "A few months ago Loki was our enemy, and now you're _married_ to him?"

"Imagine the best sex you've ever h… Oh wait, you can't can you?"

"How do you know I can't?" Steve asked.

"I've read your file. There is no way you've done it… Unless you've done it since you got thawed out?"

"Well, no," Steve replied, and then quickly added, "But I have kissed three people."

"So Cap isn't the blushing virgin after all. One was obviously Peggy, so come on, spill it."

"One was a women during the war," Steve replied, and then he thought for a moment. "To be honest she kissed me and I wasn't exactly happy with it. Then there was Peggy."

"And the other one?"

"Ah," Steve said, realising his mistake. He shuffled on his feet, looked down and said, "It was Loki."

"You've kissed my husband?" Tony asked loudly.

"Settle down, Stark," Loki shouted from the other room. "It was only a kiss on the forehead and it was before our marriage."

Tony hummed, looking backwards and forwards between Loki who was grinning and Steve whose cheeks were flushing red. "I'll let it slide. _This_ time."

"It'll never happen again, believe me," Steve said. "I'm not planning on making a habit of kissing our enemies."

"He isn't our enemy anymore," Tony said, and then he turned to Loki. "You aren't a villain now are you?"

Loki smirked and shrugged his shoulders.

Tony turned back to Steve, and asked, "Has he attacked anywhere since we got married? Has he caused any property damage or turned anything into something else?"

"Well… no, but-"

"So I've stopped him being a villain, which means technically when we're going at it like rabbits I'm being an Avenger, only this time I don't need a suit to be a superhero. I _am_ Iron Man."

"Oh, that you are," Loki cackled.

Steve sighed in frustration and asked, "Are you sure this is what you want? He hasn't put some spell on you?"

"Look, unless you are gonna take care of this," Tony said, pointing down to the erection that was currently tenting the sheet around his waist, "I think you should go away and leave us alone."

"We were just worried about you," Steve said in frustration. "How long are you planning to stay locked up in here?"

"Well, Loki said a Norse honeymoon is traditionally a month long and filled with drinking Mead and having sex, so I guess maybe September?"

"_September?_" Steve asked, incredulously. "But what if we have some kind of emergency?"

"I've given strict orders that no one is to attack until after my honeymoon," Loki shouted from the couch. "All the resident villains of Midgard know that they should not dally with me until after then or they will feel the consequences."

"There ya go then," Tony said. "Consider it a holiday all round, in fact consider it our wedding present to you. Oh, and while the subject of wedding presents we're registered at Bloomingdale's."

"I want the Bernardaud _Constance _dinner service in green and gold," Loki shouted. "The gravy boat is just exquisite."

"Gravy boat?" Steve asked.

"Are we done here? Cos I'd really like to get this taken care of," Tony said, nodding down again.

Steve blushed slightly and nodded his head. "I'll let everyone know you're fine."

"Thanks," Tony said.

As Tony closed the door Loki shouted after him, "And make sure you tell everyone about the dinner service."

Tony made his way back to the sofa, watching as Loki trailed a hand down his own chest and then lifted it, reaching out across the room.

"Is this for me?" he asked, as he brushed it across the tented sheet.

"Certainly is," Tony replied as he knelt on the edge of the couch and lifted one leg over Loki so he was straddling him. "But… you didn't mean that did you? You're not a villain anymore are you?"

"We shall see, I suppose," Loki replied with a sleepy grin. "But if you keep me busy I imagine I shall have no time for villainy."

"Oh, I intend to keep you busy for a long_gg _time," Tony replied as he leaned in for a kiss.

~0~

~0~

Tony had known it would happen eventually, but on day 10 of their honeymoon the skies outside turned dark, and lightning crashed across the sky.

Loki turned his head to look out of the rain-streaked window and mournfully said, "Thor is on Midgard."

"How are we going to handle this? He's obviously going to come straight here."

"I know how to handle Thor, don't you worry yourself about that," Loki said as he pulled Tony towards him by the neck of his of T Shirt and began to kiss him.

"Are you sure this is the time for fooling around?" Tony asked as he pulled away.

"Absolutely."

~0~

It took about 15 minutes for Thor to arrive at the tower, have a brief conversation with Steve and then barge into Tony's suite without knocking.

It took about 15 seconds for him to comprehend the sight in front of him and let out a small girlish shriek when he realised his brother was naked and enthusiastically riding up and down his equally naked friends cock.

"Brother!" Thor shrieked. "What are you doing?"

"Are you blind?" Loki gasped out, still moving. "I'm trying to enjoy my honeymoon, but I keep being rudely interrupted."

Tony buried his head in Loki's neck, hoping to avoid catching Thor's eye, and feeling fairly certain that his head was about to be caved in, but then Loki shifted his hips forward and he couldn't stop himself from groaning.

"Stark?" Thor asked, and Tony ignored him. "Stark, is this by choice, I must know."

Tony winced at that, the implication that everyone seemed to be making that he couldn't take care of himself or didn't know his own mind. Maybe he wanted to be married to and have rampant sex with a god all day and night, who wouldn't?

Tony pulled his face out of Loki's hair and moved his head round. "I'm fine, Thor, nothing-ahhh!"

Loki twisted his hips, making Tony groan again, as a smirk crept across his face, and Tony couldn't help but laugh.

Thor still stood at the door, his mouth open, obviously not sure what to say next, and then Loki turned his head and said, "Thor, if you aren't going to join in will you kindly fuck off!"

Tony and Thor both let out a small gasp of shock, and Thor said, "Brother, you are a prince, you should not speak in such a vile manner."

"And you shouldn't be stood in the doorway watching me _fuck_ my new husband, you perverted creature!" Loki replied, and then looked back at Tony and let out a small laugh.

Tony couldn't help but grin as he raised his hand to Loki's cheek. "I love it when you talk dirty!"

"Oh you do, do you?" Loki asked, driving his hips down once more. "Then perhaps I will do that more often."

"Oh yeah?"

"Oh yes," Loki replied, and then lasciviously said, "Cock."

"Think we've established that I quite like that one."

Loki rolled his hips once more, let out a small moan and said, "Quim."

"You don't have one of those," Tony replied.

"It can be arranged," Loki relied with an arched eyebrow that made Tony laugh. "Fuck… Come… Shit… Piss."

"Yeah, not exactly my kind of dirty talk with those last two."

"Then perhaps we need to be a little more adventurous in the bedroom," Loki replied.

They both turned at the sound of the muffled shriek and laughed as they heard the sound of Thor's boots thumping on the floor as he ran down the corridor.

"He's gonna kill me isn't he, babe?" Tony asked, as he brushed Loki's hair out of his eyes.

"My name is Loki, and if you call me anything other than that, or perhaps 'my king', I will have no compunction about removing all your clothes and teleporting you to the nearest heavily populated area."

"Point taken. What are you doing?" Tony asked as Loki started moving his fingers over Tony's face and murmuring in a strange language. "Is this some kind of strange alien sex thing cos I gotta tell ya, it's turning me on."

"I'm enchanting your face."

Tony raised an eyebrow. "Isn't my face enchanting enough for you?"

"Oh stop, it you oaf," Loki said with a smile as he gently swatted Tony. "You know very well what I mean. I'm enchanting it to make it impervious to damage as I'm fairly certain Thor is going to hit you the first time we leave this room."

"Then maybe we should never leave it?"

"I like this plan," Loki smiled.

* * *

Next chapter will be up tomorrow, barring any unexpected happenings!


	7. Chapter 7

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_**Tags**: Accidental marriage, FrostIron, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 7/14**

~0~

~0~

On day 12 of their honeymoon Tony briefly left their suite to collect the gifts that JARVIS reported had been left in the main living room upstairs and found himself ambushed by Pepper, Bruce and Thor.

As Tony looked around the room, he asked, "What is this, an intervention? I think it might be a little late for that."

"I'm worried about you, Tony," Pepper said. "Marrying someone while you're drunk I might be able to take, but marrying _him?_"

"Hey, don't be dissing my husband," Tony said.

"He threw you out of a window!" Pepper shouted in exasperation. "Has he even apologised for that?"

"Well… not exactly," Tony replied, and then added, "But he said I have a nice ass, so ya know, I kinda let it slide."

"You know that if word of this gets out everyone will hate you don't you? When that happens and Stark Industries is suddenly worth about five dollars overnight don't come complaining to me," Pepper said throwing her hands up in the air. She turned, and then quietly added, "I can't believe you left me for someone like _him_."

"I didn't leave. I'm still right here, you're the one who walked out on us," Tony said.

Pepper suddenly looked furious and marched up to Tony, pointing her finger. "Don't you DARE throw that in my face! I _loved_ you and you pushed me away."

"If you loved me that much you wouldn't have left," Tony snapped back.

"And if you loved me you wouldn't have _let_ me leave," Pepper shouted.

"Is that what this is about? You think I should have come running after you like a puppy?"

"No, Tony," Pepper sighed. "I thought it might have made you realise that you need help."

"Ooo_hhhh_, so you think I'm some kind of basket case who should be in a hospital then?"

"I just wanted you to talk to someone about how you were feeling because obviously you didn't want to talk to me."

"I never talked to you because you would never understand how it felt, to be there, fighting aliens."

"You could have talked to Bruce, he's a doctor," Pepper suggested.

"I'm really not that kind of doctor," Bruce said quietly.

"So you think me marrying Loki is some kind of symptom of mental illness, is that what you're saying?"

"I just don't think you're really yourself at the moment and he's taking advantage of that," Pepper said as she ran a comforting hand up his arm.

"He's using you, Tony," Bruce said, and then he motioned to Thor who had sat on one of sofas looking like he wished he was anywhere but here. "Thor told us what you said to the guards who came to pick him up, and after he tried to marry us all it just seems logical that he thought it would let him stay in the country."

Tony thought about it for a moment. Was Loki using him? Had Loki mentioned extradition orders or staying on earth once to him? Tony was pretty sure he was the one who came up with that idea, and anyway even if Loki was using him did it really matter that much when he was having the time of his life?

"You really don't have to worry. I know exactly what I'm doing," Tony lied.

"You do?" Pepper asked.

"Yes, I admit accidentally marrying him, not my best idea ever, but since the marriage has been consummated I can't just get rid of him because I was so drunk I forgot the whole pre-nup thing, and believe me if I take him to court I will lose," Tony said, then he turned to Thor and said, "You've seen him cry, right?"

Thor seemed to give an involuntary shudder and said, "Stark is correct. If Loki weeps in front of court your king will not be able resist giving him everything he asks for."

"Not that kinda court, buddy, but you guys get the picture right?" Tony asked.

"So you're just staying with him until you can find a way to divorce him?" Pepper asked.

"Absolutely," Tony announced triumphantly, pretty sure there was at least a 50% chance that he was lying, OK, maybe 70%.

"You swear?"

"Scouts honour," Tony said, but since he had never been a boy scout swearing on something he never had in the first place couldn't technically be a bad thing.

"So until then you're just going to keep sleeping with him?" Bruce asked.

"Well, yeah. Have you seen him?" Tony asked. "He's like goddamn catnip. I can't get enough of him."

Thor put his face in his hands and shook his head.

~0~

~0~

Tony had thought that Loki would hide himself away and avoid the other Avengers who sometimes occupied the tower, but he was very wrong.

After the little intervention that Tony had been subjected to, which ended with Pepper storming out of the tower in tears, Loki took to parading around the communal areas dressed only in a dark green silk robe that fell off his shoulder to reveal the bruises that Tony had sucked onto his neck.

Sometimes Thor would corner Loki in a room and try to question him about his plans for the future, but Loki would sit on a chair with his legs wide, and let his robe fall open to show that he wasn't wearing underwear. Thor always left the room at record speed when that happened.

Tony had bought him that robe. It emphasised the paleness of his skin and brought out the colour of his eyes. He didn't regret it for a second, even though Thor was positively traumatised.

~0~

There was a slight incident in the kitchen on day 14 of their honeymoon when Steve and Loki almost came to blows, and Tony sat in the middle of it almost enjoying watching two grown men fight over him.

The day had started well enough with sex in the shower, followed by sex on the bed, and then sex in the shower again because Loki could be particularly prissy on some days and the idea of having come in his hair just _WILL NOT DO FOR A PRINCE, STARK!_

So after that they went up to what had been Tony's kitchen when he lived alone in the tower, and had now become the communal kitchen since he invited the super hero club to live with him.

Loki said he was tired of being cooped up, but Tony know that he actually just wanted the peanut butter because the jar in their suite was empty as he had spent most of the previous evening licking it off various parts of Tony's body.

Tony wasn't complaining obviously, because the licking thing was pretty cool, but when they arrived in the kitchen Steve just happened to be there eating a bowl of cereal as Thor wolfed down piles of toast. He got a sinking feeling in his stomach because this was probably not going to end well.

"Good morning, brother," Thor announced cheerily.

"It was until I was greeted by your ugly face," Loki replied as he stalked across the room, started opening the cupboard doors and rooting through the contents. "I cannot see it, Stark. Order your AI to get me more."

"JARVIS, add peanut butter to the grocery list, even though I know for a fact that we have a jar in here," Tony said as he opened a different cupboard.

"I have added it to the list, sir."

"Oh," Thor said. "I believe I may have eaten the last of it."

Loki whipped round. "I knew it! I knew you would be responsible for my misery yet AGAIN!"

"I apologise if I have hurt your feelings, brother. Would it help if I walked to the market and purchased a jar to replace it?"

Loki flounced across the kitchen and sank dramatically onto a chair, placed his hand across his heart and closed his eyes. "It is too late for that. You have wounded me with your inconsideration."

"Hey, cheer up, I have something even better than peanut butter," Tony said as he held up a jar.

Loki shot across the room and snatched the jar from Tony's hand. He read the label and asked, "What is Marshmallow Fluff?"

"Try it and see. I guarantee you will love it."

Loki hesitantly unscrewed the lid and caught a dot of it on his finger. He sniffed it and then placed his finger in his mouth and sucked it in a way that made Tony's jeans suddenly seem a little tight. "It is satisfactory."

Tony moved his hand towards the jar, hoping to have Loki suck on his finger, but instead it was snatched away.

"This is _mine_," Loki hissed, and then dipped his finger into the jar again.

"You aren't going to share?"

"What have you done today to deserve it?" Loki asked.

"Well… I thought that blow job in the shower was particularly good," Tony said, and he heard both Thor and Steve practically choke on their breakfasts.

Loki, hearing the gasp that Thor had let out, replied, "Hmmmm perhaps."

He offered out the jar, and then when Tony almost had his finger on the white fluffy spread he ripped it away and scooped two fingers worth of it into his mouth. He moved towards Tony, edging closer with a predatorial look on his face, and when he was backed against the countertop, Loki leant forward and kissed him, pushing his tongue into Tony's mouth, licking the sweet taste into it.

"That's definitely my kind of sharing," Tony said, when they parted.

"Then it is to your good fortune that the jar is still half full," Loki replied, as he dipped a finger into the jar and smeared it onto his exposed collarbone.

Tony leant forwards and ran his tongue along the pale skin, suckling on it gently until Loki moaned. This is what heaven must be like, Tony thought to himself, and if he could keep his lips on that skin for the rest of his life he would die a happy man, even if it meant they looked like worlds strangest Siamese twins forever.

"Will you two get a room?" Steve asked.

"He has a room and you are sitting in it, lest you forget that he allows you all to stay here out of the goodness of his heart," Loki snapped, as Tony pulled away from his neck.

"I understand that and I'm extremely grateful that he lets me come here," Steve said, "But I don't like the way you treat him. You act like he's your property."

"He _is _my property. Thor has his mortal pet and now I have mine," Loki replied seriously, as he wrapped an arm round Tony's waist and pulled him possessively towards him. "And unlike Thor I will feed mine golden apples so he does not become old and ugly and perish before we have a chance to try out even half of the sexual positions I know."

"Wait, we haven't tried them all?" Tony asked.

Loki cast a glance at him, his face softening into a smirk, and raised a finger tip to Tony's nose as he said, "Oh, Stark, you amuse me so."

"Loki, you know I offered Jane the apples. She does not wish to eat them. She does not want to be immortal," Thor piped up.

The last few words of that sentence caught Tony's attention. "Wait, I'm going to be immortal?"

"Yes, of course," Loki replied, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Shit, yeah!" Tony said as he pulled away and punched the air.

"So you're going to be immortal and let him treat you like that forever basically?" Steve asked.

"He doesn't really mean it. You guys just get him all riled up," Tony said.

"Why Captain, I do believe you are quite jealous and wish you could have Stark all to yourself," Loki said lowly, pulling Tony back towards him.

"Jealous? Of _you?_"

Loki released Tony from his iron grip and stood squarely in front of Steve. "You can't have him. He's mine."

"I don't want Tony. I just want you to stop treating him like shit."

"Oh, and what will you do if I continue to treat him exactly how I have been? Do you intend to do something about it?"

"You better believe I will," Steve said as he stood up.

"Guys, come on. Let's not ruin a nice breakfast here," Tony said, attempting to calm everyone down.

"You believe you can best me?" Loki asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I seem to remember kicking your ass in Stuttgart, yeah."

"Loki…" Thor said lowly, his tone almost threatening.

Loki tilted his head, and a smirk crossed his face. "Well why don't you try it again?"

Steve moved forward, and Tony wasn't sure if he was just trying to intimidate a fucking _god_ or whether he really intended to smack his husband, but before he even finished his step Loki had him, one hand round his wrist and the other tightly wrapped around his throat as he lifted him into the air.

"Release him, Brother!" Thor bellowed.

"Quite the surprise is it not, Captain, when I let you feel my full strength," Loki hissed as Steve dangled in mid air and Thor jumped to his feet. "When you realise that the time I fought you I allowed you to win."

"Guyssss," Tony said, as he worried that his kitchen was about to become a battleground. "That expensive dinner service we got as a wedding gift is like right behind you so if you're gonna fight can you make sure you don't damage my plates… or the gravy boat."

Loki cast a glance at Tony, and then back at the man struggling in his arms, and said, "Anything for you, my love."

Steve coughed as Loki released him, drawing in huge lungfuls of air, as he bent over and put his hands on his knees.

"Are we done here?" Tony asked.

"I believe my point has been made," Loki replied, still scowling at Steve.

"Are you well?" Thor asked, as he placed a hand on Steve's back.

"I'm fine," Steve said as he straightened up and glared at Loki, "But you better stop bullying Tony like that. You need to treat him with respect."

Loki snorted in response, maintaining silent eye contact until Steve turned and strode out of the room angrily, followed by Thor.

"Thanks for that," Tony said as he slumped into a chair. "Now he's gonna go running off to Fury and report that you attacked him."

"And I shall respond with the truth, that the Captain attacked first, and naturally you will concur that I was merely defending myself."

"Even if I _did_ agree that you were defending yourself, no one else would see it that way," Tony pointed out.

"So in future I am to let others call me names and I can do nothing to stop them, simply so I can be with you?" Loki asked, looking genuinely upset or at least some good impression of it.

The look on his face made Tony relent for a second. "Noooo, of course not, just do it with less fists and less of the throttling people thing. Anyway, I'm quite surprised you didn't kill him."

"I'm awfully fond of the gravy boat," Loki replied as he leaned back against the countertop and folded his arms. "If it was damaged I'd be heartbroken."

Tony ran his eyes up and down Loki's body and said, "You might wanna close your robe. I can see your… little sceptre."

Loki looked down, looked back at Tony and raised an eyebrow. "Little?"

"By little obviously I mean giant, satisfying, huge, etc," he quickly corrected.

"Obviously," Loki replied, and then he looked around the room. "Tell me, Stark. Have you ever had sex with anyone in this kitchen?"

"Not that I remember. You wanna christen it?" he asked, and Loki nodded. "A little public don't you think? Anyone could walk in here."

"Do I look like I care?"

"You like being watched, huh? Does it turn you on?"

"Not especially. I just know it annoys Thor and the other so called heroes in this tower. That gives me more enjoyment."

"Where you wanna do it? Countertop?"

Loki raised his hand, gave a flick of his finger and all the dishes on the table flew off and hit the floor with a crash of broken cheap crockery. "On here I think. The countertop would be too close to the gravy boat."


	8. Chapter 8

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_**Tags**: Accidental marriage, FrostIron, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 8/14**

~0~

~0~

On day 16 of their honeymoon Loki decided he was sick of the constant interruptions from Thor and the other Avengers demanding to know if Tony was well and decided they would spend the weekend in the woods.

Tony quickly got online, pulling up the names of some of the finest woodland retreats he could find, but Loki was having none of it. They were going _camping_, regardless of how much Tony protested.

"You know, I'm not much of an outdoors man," Tony whined when Loki reappeared back in Tony's suite, through the surface of a full-length mirror, carrying several large bundles. "How about we check into a nice, comfortable hotel with amazing room service and free wi-fi?"

"Cease your prattling, Stark. We are going and _that_ is the end of it."

"I don't really have a choice in this, do I?" Tony conceded.

"You mortals don't deserve choices," Loki replied as he dumped his bundles onto the ground and started to open them. "You are a young realm and need a firm hand to guide you towards greatness."

"Greatness, right. _Greatness_ in the woods at night with the insects… and the hungry wild animals."

"I shall not allow harm to come to you, if that is why you are creating so much fuss."

"I'm more worried about the lack of a bathroom, because unlike bears I really don't like to shit in the woods."

"Trust me, Stark. You will enjoy with when we get there," Loki replied, and as Tony opened his mouth Loki interrupted him. "I grow tired of your whining. You will stop it at once or I will drag you the woods by your _hair_."

He sat on the bed and silently watched as Loki packed what looked like a tent and various animal pelts in an enormous pack made of green leather.

"Why the hell are you being so mean to me?" Tony asked.

Loki paused a moment, his eyes flicking between Tony and the bags. After a while he sighed and said, "It is not you. It is _them_. I can stand it no longer."

"You shouldn't let them get to you. It's my house and if I say you stay, you stay."

"That is far easier said than done," Loki said, as he picked up one of the empty bags and wandered into the kitchen.

Tony followed him and watched as Loki started filling the bag with bread, salt, butter, peanut butter, various sauces and stock cubes, herbs and potatoes, but nothing that could be used to make an actual meal.

"Is that all the food we're taking?" Tony asked.

"We will hunt for the rest," Loki replied coolly, as he placed all the beer from the fridge into the top of the bag, along with two bottles of Whiskey. "Stark, do you not think you should pack some items for yourself?"

"What, my hunting knife and shotgun? Oh wait… I don't own any of those."

"I mean clothing and sensible shoes," Loki said looking down at the thick-soled shoes that Tony wore. "I know they make you feel like you are taller, but they are hardly practical for uneven ground."

"I was made for sidewalks and dance floors and rooftop restaurants. I'm not really built for camping in the woods."

"Nonsense," Loki said as he waved his hands over the bags, and then held one out to Tony.

"Are you kidding? This bag is about as big as me. I'll never be able t-" Tony was cut off when Loki threw the bag at him and he was forced to catch it, and then he realised that it was light as a feather. "How the hell did you do that? This bag is filled with half the contents of the kitchen."

"A simple spell to induce weightlessness," Loki replied. "We may be going to the woods, but I do not intend to make our trip difficult by burdening us with heavy packs."

"Good to know," Tony replied, and then he watched as Loki waved his hand over the bed covers, and two figures appeared beneath the sheets.

"Whoa!" Tony exclaimed as he watched a doppelganger of himself roll a squirming Loki clone onto it's front. "Is this what we look like when we're going at it?"

"Yes," Loki replied, as if he watched himself having sex all the time, but given that he could create clones himself he probably did. Tony would never get _anything_ done if he had that super power.

"That's pretty hot. Can we stay and watch them?"

"I was rather hoping we would actually do this ourselves soon, but if we must, yes."

~0~

They stayed and watched the clones have sex for five minutes, then Loki insisted it was time to leave, and Tony had to admit that the clearing that Loki teleported them to was quite beautiful as he looked out over tree lined mountains that rolled over the skyline.

He sat on a rock, nursing a beer, as Loki pitched the tent and then lined the flooring first with a leather groundsheet, and then piled it with soft, luxurious blankets and furs.

The large tent appeared to be some kind of scaly leather, and the two sloping sides were made from one seamless sheet of hide. It took Tony a moment to realise, but the animal it came from must have been a hell of a size, and he secretly wondered if Loki had been responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Tony _definitely_ wasn't one for camping. He missed his home comforts even when he was staying at the Hilton so the idea of a night in the woods filled him with dread, but as he watched Loki build a giant fire from wood he collected from the tree line, he realised just how _happy_ he looked.

Loki seemed to be pretty guarded most of the time. He would snarl with rage at something Thor had said, he would laugh condescendingly at things on the TV that amused him, he would scream Tony's name in pleasure, or he would sit brooding and fidgeting nervously with his hands, but never had Tony seen him look as genuinely carefree as he did now.

~0~

Once the camp was finished they went into the woods, silently stalking between the trees, until Loki held his hand up and they came to a stop. Up the trail stood a giant Stag, with a mighty crown of antlers atop its head, and Tony watched as Loki crept closer and brought it down with a single knife throw.

Tony ran up the trail, coming to a halt at Loki's side. "You killed it."

"Of course I did. You wish to eat, don't you?" Loki asked.

Tony felt slightly queasy at the site of the blood. "Couldn't we have just brought hamburgers?"

"Stark, do not be a baby. How do you think the cows that make up your hamburgers died? They aren't tickled to death," Loki said, as he grabbed the Stag by the antlers and hefted it onto his back.

"Oh you have got to be kidding me. That thing has to be over 700lbs, " Tony said, then asked, "Weightlessness spell?"

"I'm a god, Stark," Loki replied as he set off back towards camp. "It seems to be something you keep forgetting."

~0~

Tony hid in the tent while Loki butchered the Stag until it looked more like food and less like Bambi's dad, and was drawn out by the delightful smell of it roasting on a spit over the open fire.

They sat and watched the sun go down over the valley, tearing off chunks of meat with their hands and licking the juices from each other's fingers.

When the sun went down they spent 15 minutes watching two raccoons have sex in the clearing by their tent, and then 45 minutes letting the raccoons watch _them_ have sex, and as they lay down to sleep under the fur blankets Tony realised camping really wasn't that bad.

~0~

The sun was rising outside when Tony woke from what was possibly his most restful night of sleep ever, and he wondered if all that bullshit about fresh air being good for you might actually be true.

Tony rolled over and watched Loki as he slept and realised he looked oddly innocent, with his face relaxed and his black hair strewn across the pillow. Tony could hardly believe this was the same person who had once thrown him through a window. _"Oh there it is,"_ he thought to himself, as one side of Loki's mouth twitched up and his lips curled into an evil grin.

When Loki woke he restarted the fire and boiled water to make them steaming hot mugs of coffee served with toast that he had browned on sticks next to the flames.

Against his better judgement Tony allowed Loki to drag him down to a mountain stream where they bathed in the icy waters.

"Holy shit this water is cold," Tony said, as Loki massaged shampoo into his scalp. "Don't you dare be judging anything. My cock has practically crawled back inside my body."

Loki let out a soft laugh and teased, "I can't say I see much difference."

"Cheeky," Tony replied, splashing him with water.

~0~

They spent the day hiking one of the trails and discovered that it lead to a beautiful lake that was surrounded on all sides by ancient trees. Loki conjured some fishing poles from out of thin air and they spent the warmest part of the day lazing on the banks, casting their lines into the water between bouts of frantic making out.

When the sun began to dip towards the horizon Loki teleported them and their sizeable pile of fish back to the camp, where he made a steaming pot of fish stew that Tony had to admit was one of the nicest things he had ever tasted.

They chatted for a while and it dawned on Tony that he couldn't remember Loki ever using his first name. It was always _Stark this_ and _Stark that_, even when they were having sex it was always _Yes, Stark, harder, harder!_ Something about that realisation made him a tiny bit annoyed.

"You know, my name is Tony. You are allowed to use it," he said.

Loki let out a snorting laugh and said, "I am a king. I do not use first names."

"I don't see no kings round here," Tony said, looking round.

"If I had won I would be king of Midgard now."

"But you didn't win did you?" Tony asked pointedly.

Loki looked down. "Thor arriving was not part of the plan and I will admit it threw me."

"So the Chitauri mind controlled you right? Like you did to Clint? I mean you're supposed to be this master tactician and everyt-"

Loki interrupted him with a snorting laugh. "As if they could control me. The power of the sceptre only works on lesser minds, Stark, and I am a god."

"So that was _your_ plan?"

"It was indeed," Loki replied proudly.

"That whole ridiculous plan that failed completely and got your entire army killed, you came up with that?" Tony asked incredulously.

Loki opened and closed his mouth a few times, taken aback. "I-I was not myself when I came up with that plan."

"And what about the time you tried to kill Thor and ended up falling off the end of the bifrost?"

Loki shook his head and said, "I was suffering from the same illness."

"And that time you got pregnant by a horse, or when you got your lips sewn together? Both of those also _stellar_ plans, by the way," Tony said, and then he shut up, knowing his mouth had run away with him and he was probably about to be on the end of a slap that would knock his teeth to the other side of the valley.

He looked out of the corner of his eye, expecting to see Loki glaring at him furiously and mentally plotting his destruction, but instead he was staring at the fire looking rather forlorn.

"Sorry," Tony said quietly. "That was a bit much."

"And yet perhaps I needed to hear it, and from a mortal no less," Loki replied sadly. "I have failed in almost everything I have ever done."

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say that, I mean you married me and I'm like totally the catch of the century," Tony said, trying to cheer him up.

Loki let out a soft laugh, and then stood up. "If you'll excuse me I must wash my hands."

"You want me to come with?"

Loki shook his head. "I shall return soon."

Tony watched Loki stride off deep into the woods and half expected to hear distant screams or explosions or just something nefarious going on somewhere, but after 30 minutes of nothing but silence he'd had enough and set off walking.

~0~

It took him 20 minutes of tripping over tree roots and smacking his head into branches to find Loki, settled on the edge of a bare rocky outcrop that jutted out over the edge of the cliff, his knees pulled up and his arms wrapped around them.

The wind caught his hair slightly, causing it to ripple in the breeze, and as the sun set, casting a golden glow across the valley, Tony thought it was pretty much one of the most glorious things he'd ever seen.

He imagined it like the scene from an advertisement on TV for a holiday company or tampons or something that just screamed _FREEDOMMMM!_ He could almost hear the music in the background as it played, some epic track with crashing guitars, pianos and soaring vocals, probably with cryptic lyrics about being a king because this was Loki after all.

Tony was apprehensive as he approached the cliff edge where Loki sat, half afraid that he would fall off, half afraid Loki would push him off.

"Hey," Tony said, wanting to give Loki some warning that he was here.

Loki turned his head away quickly, wiping his face surreptitiously, before he turned to give Tony a smile that looked anything but happy.

Tony felt his stomach sink. People had often told him lately that he treated others like shit, that he'd driven Pepper away, and that he was a rotten friend to Rhodey, but now he'd _really_ done it. He'd broken the fucking god of mischief.

"You OK?" he asked as he sat down.

"I am well. I just wanted to be alone for a while."

"You want me to go?"

"No, no, some company would not go amiss," Loki replied, patting the ground next to him.

Tony sat down, as close as he dared to the edge, and struggled to find the right words to express what he really wanted to say which was _'I'm sorry I was a douche bag'_ but instead he said, "I'm sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean to."

Loki was quiet for a while, staring intently over the horizon, and then he quietly said, "I let go of the spear."

"What?" Tony asked.

"You said I fell from the bifrost, but I didn't. I let myself fall."

"But you knew you'd be OK, right? That whole immortal god thing."

"I did not know and to be honest I really did not care. In many ways death may have been preferable to what happened next."

Tony mulled over Loki's words for a moment. Had he really just admitted to trying to off himself? He thought he should press for more info on that, but wasn't sure if it would end with him being pitched over the cliff, so instead asked, "The Chitauri?"

"I visited many dark and frightening places before they chanced upon me. They offered me a way out, a purpose, and I thought salvation, but I was wrong," Loki sighed, and then he looked away. "Thanos has ways of inflicting pain the likes of which I had not even considered possible."

"Wait so like they tortured you into attacking us?" Tony asked quickly. "I knew it, I knew you didn't want to do it. You realise what this will do? We need to let Fury know when we get back 'cause this will change ev-."

"No, it was nothing like that," Loki interrupted. "Thanos simply wanted the Tesseract, and if I hadn't wanted Midgard in return for it I could simply have slipped through the portal, taken it and vanished, but I wanted a realm for myself and in return for the tesseract Thanos gave me an army. I wanted to win, Stark, and if Thor had not arrived Midgard would now be mine."

_Oh_, Tony though, _so much for telling Fury…_ "So what do you want now?"

"I am not entirely sure," Loki replied as he leant his head forward onto his knees. "My life was once so simple and then it all fell apart when I discovered my true parentage."

"Loki, being adopted isn't that big a deal," Tony sighed. "You shouldn't let it upset you so much."

"It is when you discover you belong to the most hated race in all the nine realms," Loki said sadly, and then he let out a small laugh. "They call me the god of lies, and I am because they made me so. Even my very _skin_ is a lie to hide the monster I truly am."

"Hey, you aren't a monster, OK?"

"You have never seen my true form," Loki said, as he raised his hands to the side of his head and started ripping at his hair. "My disgusting, ugly true form."

"Hey, hey, stop it!" Tony said, grabbing at Loki's wrists.

Loki suddenly let out a loud sob and let his head drop forward onto his knees, wrapping his arms tightly around his legs as he cried.

Tony wasn't sure what do at first. This wasn't the pretty weeping he was used to from Loki, this was ugly crying with a snotty nose and red blotchy cheeks and it showed no sign of abating.

Tony wrapped an arm around his shoulder, intending to offer him a little comfort, but instead Loki suddenly flopped over, his head landing on Tony's thighs and he wrapped his arms around his waist.

Tony murmured comforting words and stroked Loki's back, losing track of time, as the god appeared to have a nervous breakdown on his knee.

"It'll be OK," Tony cooed.

"No," Loki sobbed. "I will always be a _Frost Giant_ and nothing can change that."

"Is that really so bad?" Tony asked. "So you're a Frost Giant. Big deal."

"Frost Giants are known throughout all the realms for being disgusting, foul monsters."

"Not to me they're not. In fact I'd never even heard of them so I'm not about to judge you for being one."

Loki looked up at him; his eyes rimmed with red, and asked, "It truly does not bother you?"

"Why would it?"

"If you could see my true form you would be disgusted."

"You don't have tentacles do you?" Tony asked.

Loki let out a small laugh. "No, my shape is unchanged, but you would still think I was disgusting. How could you not?"

"Then why don't you show me and let me be the judge of that?"

"The glamour that covers my true form is not mine to command," Loki admitted. "I will have to call forth a Jotun relic."

"So do it," Tony said.

Loki stared across the mountains for a moment, biting his lip in obvious doubt, and then closed his eyes. He moved his hands above each other, and scrunched his eyes together as if he were straining against forces that Tony could not see.

Loki moved his hands to the side and suddenly a blue box appeared in his grasp, and he watched as the colour began to leech into Loki's skin, turning it blue before his very eyes.

Loki kept his eyes, trained out over the mountains, not even daring to look down at his own hands. "I told you. I told you my true form was disgusting."

"Hey," Tony said. "Will you look at me?"

Tony reached out to touch Loki's cheek, but he flinched away.

"I would not, I may burn you."

"I don't think you will," Tony said, as he moved his hand to Loki's cheek and turned his head to face him. "There is _NOTHING_ wrong with you. You aren't a monster. You look a little like a Smurf, but that's no bad thing."

Loki let the box from his hands vanish and wrapped his arms around Tony.

~0~

Loki was smiling, though his eyes were still raw and shiny, as they lay facing each other on top of the thick furs in the tent, and Tony gently brushed his hair back off his face.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're beautiful?" Tony asked, and immediately cringed at how corny it sounded.

"In the past people have told me I was pleasing, but it would not happen now, if they know what I am underneath this fabrication of respectable flesh."

"_I_ know what you are and it doesn't bother me."

"And most would consider you a fool for it."

"I'm one of the smartest men on the planet, so trust me, there is nothing wrong with you," Tony said.

Loki shuffled across the blanket and tucked his head into the crook of Tony's neck, then mumbled, "Given the general level of intelligence among Midgardians that doesn't really say a lot."

"Oh, sarcasm," he laughed. "Someone must be feeling a little better."

Loki brushed his lips against Tony's neck and said, "Perhaps." Then he ran one hand down Tony's arm, taking hold of his hand and interlocking their fingers.

They stayed like that a while, enjoying the closeness, and when Loki let out a contented little sigh Tony felt all the tension ebbed out of his body. They lay, Loki with his head on Tony's shoulder, arms and legs in a tangled heap, and it just felt _right_.

Tony felt the tip of Loki's nose move against his cheek, trailing lightly downwards then rubbing against his jaw, and goddamn if that wasn't one of the most erotic things he had ever felt, even if the god's nose had been a snotty mess less than an hour before and he was probably just trying to clean it.

Tony could feel all the blood leave his brain, and Loki plainly felt the swelling in the front of his trousers. He let out a low chuckle and placed a kiss on the side of Tony's mouth.

Tony turned his head slightly, lips parted, and Loki kissed him again, allowing one hand to run down to his crotch and squeeze his erection through his jeans.

"Hey, now probably isn't a good time to be doing that, what with you being upset and everything. God forbid I take advantage of a… _god_."

"I want this," Loki replied softly. "I _need_ this."

Tony smiled and then leant forward, catching Loki's mouth with his own.

~0~

In the brief afterglow, in that five minutes before between coming and being sound asleep that Pepper always used to complain about, Tony thought about what had just happened.

See, normally when they had sex it ended up being a battle for dominance, which obviously Loki always won because he was stronger, and he was a god, and if he didn't get his way he got really pissy about it so it wasn't worth the hassle.

So Tony had quickly learnt that Loki was indeed the boss of him and let him get on with it, and really he had no complaints because Loki was like 1000 years old and knew a trick or 40 so it was always spectacular, but this… this was different.

There had been no struggle, no fight, no winner or loser; Loki had lost that hard, bossy edge, and seemed content to lie in Tony's arms and sigh softly as every inch of his skin was kissed.

Tony looked over at Loki, who had fallen asleep with a happy smile on his face before he'd even cleaned himself up, which he would no doubt regret in the morning when the covers where stuck to him. He thought about running over his stomach with a damp cloth, but Loki looked so peaceful that Tony didn't want to wake him by accident.

Yeah, he was pretty sure there would be no nightmares tonight.


	9. Chapter 9

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_**Tags**: Accidental marriage, FrostIron, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 9/14**

~0~

~0~

On day 17 of their honeymoon Tony woke up and decided that his life had become some kind of trashy romance novel or chick flick and he didn't really care what anyone thought about it.

Seeing Loki so upset had broken something inside Tony's chest and he wasn't all that sure he wanted to put it back together.

Maybe there was a slight possibility that he might actually be a tiny bit in love with Loki. Just a _tiny_ bit, like in love with his cock, or his hair, or his mouth or his skin, his white skin that was soft and smooth and went on for miles.

That was it, he was a tiny bit in love with Loki's skin, and not his eyes or those little smiles he kept giving him that made Tony's heart skip a beat and definitely _not_ in love with his funny little haughty ways or the way his voice sounded when he moaned his name…

_Aw dammit._

OK, so _maybe_ it was love, Tony admitted to himself. Just a tiny bit. A schoolgirl crush that would fade in time, that's all, but later, as they lay in the tent with their fingers intertwined, Loki looked at him with such fondness that he realised he didn't want to go home.

He wanted to stay in the woods, in this little tent, with Loki forever. There would be no Iron Man, no Avengers, no disapproving looks or comments; there would just be him and Loki, the night sky strewn with more stars than he had ever seen and the sounds of the raccoons mating outside.

But that couldn't happen. Tomorrow they had to return, and Tony felt like reality was about to slap him in the face.

~0~

~0~

They had only been back at the tower for a day, but Tony realised things definitely felt different between them since their little camping trip. Sometimes he would turn round and find that Loki was already looking at him and then a strange, shy smile would cross his face, which made Tony's stomach do a funny little flipping thing.

Emotions and feelings and that whole love business had been something that he had been desperate to avoid after his break up with Pepper, and yet when Loki looked at him like that the idea of divorcing him seemed about as appealing as porcupine skin underwear.

Sure, his team mates and Fury were still giving him the disapproving looks, and Loki was still getting irate every time one of them questioned him, but things seemed to be settling nicely into place.

For the first time Tony wondered whether this could actually work out. Maybe it was possible for a super hero to marry a super villain and for everyone to live happily ever after.

~0~

~0~

On day 20 of their honeymoon Tony woke up to an empty bed and an unsettlingly quiet room.

The shower wasn't running; he couldn't hear the TV turned to the History channel, nor the sound of Loki cackling or muttering _'Dim-witted Midgardians'_ every few minutes.

He got up and roamed round the suite, looking for any sign of Loki or maybe a note saying when he would be back, but there was nothing. He wandered out through the corridors and up into the communal areas, but only found Thor sitting on the terrace enjoying the morning sun.

"Anthony, you look troubled. Has my brother upset you?" he asked.

Tony briefly considered asking Thor if he'd seen Loki, but then changed his mind, knowing it would probably set off a while series of events that would end with the world placed on red alert in case of attack.

"Nope, everything's fine," he announced and went back inside.

Tony went to his workshop and tinkered with one of his suits for a while. It was a design he had started building shortly before he had accidentally wound up married and he hadn't really thought of it since. He had christened it Igor due to it's hunched back, but its official designation was the Mark 38.

Thirty-eight… Thirty-eight suits he had built in the time since New York, thirty-eight attempts to feel safe, to feel protected, and Igor with his multiple-layered Titanium plating was the strongest and most protective armour he had ever built.

He sighed and thought back to how he felt just a few short weeks ago; vulnerable and alone, constantly worried about a new portal opening up and so many Chitauri pouring through that they would blot out the sun.

Things were different now. He wasn't alone anymore, and even though Loki had wandered off somewhere Tony _knew_ he would come back.

"JARVIS?" Tony asked.

"Yes, sir?"

"Disassemble the mark 38."

"Are you sure, sir?"

"Yup," Tony said as he threw a screwdriver down on the bench. "Strip it down to parts. I don't need it anymore."

"As you wish."

Tony left the workshop and headed back to the suite to wait.

~0~

The sun was almost setting as Tony turned the TV to the History channel and listened to the soothing sounds of the droning professors, preparing himself for the fact that he was probably going to spend the night alone in his huge bed.

There was a sound from the side of the room, a gentle fizzing that sounded like static and Tony's eyes were drawn to the window as the surface of the glass began to ripple in concentric circles. There was a flash of golden light and suddenly Loki was there, falling head first through the surface of the glass and landing on the floor of the living room with a pained shout.

"Oh my god," Tony shouted as he jumped from the sofa and pulled Loki into a sitting position with his back against the wall. "What happened to you?"

"Victor and I had words," Loki mumbled breathlessly as a trickle of blood ran from the corner of his mouth and down his dirt streaked chin.

"Victor?"

"Victor Von Doom. You may have heard of him," Loki replied, wincing as Tony pulled off his helmet and let it fall to the floor.

"Doom?" Tony asked incredulously. "You went after _Doom_ on your own? Why the hell would you _do_ that?"

"Word reached me that he was preparing an attack. I gave specific orders that our honeymoon should not be disturbed so I decided to teach him a lesson."

"What did you do?"

"Destroyed all his metal men," Loki replied coyly. "He was most displeased. I believe he may even have cried."

"You made _Doom_ cry?" Tony laughed. "Dude, I have got to teach you how to work a digital camera cause that is a picture I would pay to see."

Loki coughed and then winced in pain. "I believe I may need to see a healer."

"Why?"

"To fix this," Loki said, as he held up his mangled left hand.

~0~

Loki dismissed the idea of going to a hospital straight away, and instead decided to walk the short distance to the bedroom while they waited for Bruce to arrive.

As they moved slowly across the room Tony noted the way he limped and held both arms stiffly, and said, "You really shouldn't have done this. If you'd told me, the Avengers would have helped you."

"I did not want, nor did I require, your assistance," Loki said with a wince as he stepped on his obviously injured leg. "If you think you have tamed me and I am going to become one of your team then you are sorely mistaken."

"I didn't think that," Tony said. "But-"

"I don't wish to discuss it further," Loki snapped as he hobbled through the entrance of the bedroom.

As Loki sat on the edge of the bed there was a gentle tapping on the door, and Tony said, "That'll be Bruce."

Loki nodded wearily as he shuffled backwards on the bed, closed his eyes and used his magic to change his battle armour into lighter clothes, then lay down on the soft pillows.

"What's going on?" Bruce asked, when Tony opened the door and let him in.

"Loki took it upon himself to go on a super top secret mission and he's a bit worse for wear. I need you to check him out."

"You should take him to a hospital, Tony. Alien gods aren't my area of expertise."

"What, and the local ER will cope any better with him?" Tony asked. "Come on, just have a look."

"OK, but I'm not promising anything," Bruce said as he walked into the bedroom and saw Loki laid back on the bed. "Wow, someone really did a number on you, huh?"

Loki opened his eyes and glared at him. "I have sustained worse injuries. This is of little consequence."

Bruce looked up and asked, "JARVIS? Can you scan Loki for injuries?"

"I can indeed, sir," the AI replied. He was quiet for a moment and then a holographic image flickered into life. "It appears Mr Odinson has a dislocated right shoulder, a fracture of his left wrist, several broken bones in his left hand, 4 cracked ribs and a spiral fracture of his right femur, as well as numerous lacerations and skin contusions."

"You walked in here on a broken leg?" Tony practically shrieked.

"I'm a god, Stark. We have a high tolerance for pain and frankly this is nothing, it will heal in a day or two."

"Magic, right? You use healing spells and all that jazz?"

"No, I am Aesir… in a way. We simply heal remarkably quickly."

"We'll have to reset your shoulder first just in case the nerves or blood vessels are being compressed, and then we'll deal with your hand. We'll need to put a cast on your leg though, which is going to restrict your movement quite a bit," Bruce said, and then Loki started shaking his head.

"No, all you need to do is realign my shoulder and the bones in my hand and then let me sleep. The rest will fix itself."

"You know how to do that, right?" Tony asked Bruce.

"I do, but I don't have any medical equipment here. We'd need dressings and medications. Reducing a dislocated shoulder requires a sedative or Morphine and we ha-"

"Your Midgardian potions have no effect on me," Loki said, cutting him off. "If you know how to fix this then please do so immediately."

Bruce sighed as he kicked off his shoes. "Ok… but don't blame me if this really hurts."

Bruce sat on the edge of the bed, raised one of his feet and placed it under Loki's armpit, ignoring the rather pointed way his patient wrinkled his nose at having a foot so close to his face. He took hold of his hand and asked, "You ready?"

"Get on with it before you die of old age," he snapped.

"OK, here we go," Bruce leant back, applying steady pressure to the joint, bracing against his foot, and pulled as hard as he could.

Loki bared his teeth and growled, "Pull harder!"

"I'm doing my best," Bruce panted, pulling with all his strength.

Loki let out a yelp as Bruce released his hold and said, "Tony can you help me here? It's being a bit stubborn."

"Maybe we should get Thor?" Tony asked.

"No! I do not want to see Thor," Loki shouted. "You will fix this and you will fix it now or you will regret the day you were birthed into this pathetic realm."

"There is another option," Bruce said quietly.

Loki's eyes went wide as he suddenly realised what Bruce was suggesting. "No, n-no, no, absolutely not! I will not allow you to free the beast when I am already injured."

"He won't hurt you. When I'm not provoked into letting him out I have control over him," Bruce said reassuringly.

"And the last time? When you attacked me, you were provoked then?"

"Well, actually… no, I just _really_ wanted to smash you into the ground," he replied quietly.

Loki narrowed his eyes. "You would have full control over him?"

"I promise, he won't hurt you."

Loki sat quietly for a second, thinking his options though and then snapped, "Oh all right, get on with it."

Bruce stood up and took his shirt off, laying it carefully over a chair against the wall. He closed his eyes and let the transformation take over his body.

Loki shrank back into the pillows as Bruce's muscles began to expand, flushing with a green hue as he started to grow taller and wider.

"It's OK, he isn't going to hurt you," Tony said, placing a hand on Loki's shoulder reassuringly, even though he was basically shitting his own pants that something was about to go horribly wrong, and right now he was really starting to wish he'd kept Igor.

"I am not scared!" Loki snapped as he pushed himself towards to Tony with his feet.

Hulk stood before them, flexing his biceps slightly and looking nothing less than terrifying even though he hadn't moved.

Tony found himself holding his breath, scared to make a sound in case it provoked the giant creature, and clinging to Loki's uninjured shoulder as if the damaged god would be able to protect him.

Hulk took a shuffling step forward, his movements slow and deliberate, as if he didn't want to scare them further. He knelt by the side of the bed, placed one giant hand under Loki's armpit and took hold of his hand with the other.

Loki let out a slight whimpering sound and Tony wasn't sure whether it was from fear or pain, but then his brow furrowed and he shouted, "What are you waiting for, you dull creature. Do it! Now!"

Hulk suddenly pulled on Loki's hand, there was a loud popping sound and Loki threw his head back, letting out a wailing cry as the bone moved back into it's socket.

"That's it," Tony said, as he wiped away the involuntary tears that had leaked down Loki's cheeks. "It's over now, it's done."

Loki let out a sob, his feet still moving against the bed sheets, as Hulk placed his arm against his chest, then stood up and moved away from the bed.

"How you feeling?" Tony asked.

"It was nothing," Loki replied quietly, his head flopping to the side and resting against Tony's chest.

They watched as Hulk began to grow smaller, changing back as his muscles shrank and faded back to their normal fleshy tones, until Bruce stood before them, bare-chested. "Jarvis, can you run a scan on Loki's shoulder."

"The shoulder is correctly in position, although there is some minor rotator cuff damage," the AI replied.

"I take it that'll heal on its own?" Bruce asked, and Loki nodded sleepily. "Right, I suppose we should look at that hand."

~0~

It took almost an hour for Bruce to straighten Loki's fingers and pull the flesh back into alignment with surgical tape that he had found in a first aid kit. Loki had assured him that as long as everything was back where it should be he wouldn't require stitches, and then he drifted in and out of a light sleep with his head tucked against Tony's chest as Bruce worked.

After the last of the tape was applied Tony laid Loki back on the pillows, watching intently as his eyes flickered shut, clearly worn out by the pain and stress.

"Tony, can I have a word with you in private?" Bruce asked quietly as he cleaned his hands on a towel.

"Sure," he replied, and he got up, giving one last glance towards Loki before he ushered Bruce into the next room and closed the door quietly behind him. "What's up?"

"What the hell is going on with you?" Bruce snapped. "You said you were just staying with him till you found a way to get rid of him, but you're actually developing feelings for him, aren't you?"

"N-no, no, of course not," Tony stammered.

"Then why are you fussing over him like a mother hen?"

Tony sighed as he flopped down onto a chair. "Its just that… on that trip we took I saw a whole other side to him. When he's around you guys he doesn't act the same as he does when we're alone. Once we were away from everyone, and away from New York and all the reminders of the past he's actually pretty… nice."

"He's a _villain_, Tony. He killed Coulson, you remember him don't you?"

"Don't pull that shit on me, you know he was my friend," Tony snapped.

"And yet here you are falling for the person who killed him."

"I'm _not_ falling for him."

"Yes, you are. You should see the way you were looking at him not two minutes ago. You're falling in love with him and that's a really bad idea 'cause in the end he will stab you in the back. It's in his nature."

"I'm not really sure he would." Tony replied. "I think he's changed. I mean he just took out all of Doom's bots. Does that sound like a villain to you?"

"He doesn't give a shit if Doom attacks us, he's only out for himself."

"I seriously think you're underestimating him. Under all that bravado and… and-"

"Psychopathic need to rule," Bruce added.

"See, that's just it, I don't think he does want to rule us, I think he just wanted to be loved, and in a roundabout way he thought being a king would get him that love."

"Wow," Bruce said, stepping back. "Just really, _wow_, that is some really stupid psychology right there. What's next? Will I find you writing letters to killers on death row?"

"That's not the same and you know it!" Tony snapped.

"You think you can fix him, I know its part of your nature and who you are, but you're out of your depth, Tony. He's too far-gone, and I just hope this doesn't come back to bite us all in the ass," Bruce shouted, and then he took a deep breath as he tried to calm himself down. "I need to leave now before I do something I regret."

As Bruce headed towards the door, Tony shouted after him, "Hey, who's going to look after Loki?"

"I'm sure he'll be fine," Bruce said as he slammed the door on his way out.

Tony wandered back into the bedroom and sighed as he slumped down on the side of the bed, rubbing between his eyebrows wearily.

"What was that about?" Loki asked quietly, his eyes still half lidded from exhaustion. "I assume he is not happy with me?"

"Oh, hey, didn't mean to wake you," Tony said, looking up.

"It was not you who woke me, it was that beast slamming the door."

"You don't need to worry, he was angry with me, not you."

Loki raised an eyebrow and asked, "Why ever would he be angry with you?"

"He went on this big long rant about how I'm developing…" he coughed loudly over his next word, "_feelings_ for you and stuff like that."

Loki cracked open one eye and looked at him. "And are you? Developing… feelings for me?"

"Mayb_beeee_," Tony said, almost questioningly. "It could just be indigestion though, or a leak in the arc reactor."

Loki let out a little huffing laugh and said, "Then perhaps I have indigestion too, for I have no arc reactor to leak."

Tony smiled, then looked away, and then looked back at Loki and smiled again.

_Yup_, it was love, and now there was no turning back.


	10. Chapter 10

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_**Tags**: Accidental marriage, FrostIron, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 10/14**

~0~

~0~

Tony was sat up in bed the next day, watching Loki sleep, when his phone started to ring with the Imperial March tone that he had assigned to Fury's number. For a second he thought about muting it, but he knew that would only end in tears, probably his own, so instead he moved into the other room and answered it.

"Hello," Tony said as cheerily as he could fake.

_"Stark, I want a word with you,"_ Fury practically growled down the line.

"Well, you seem to have had several words just with that one sentence so can I go now?"

_"I'm downstairs. Tell your damn AI to let me in the building."_

Tony grimaced. "Right away, boss." He hung up the phone and said, "JARVIS, let Fury in."

"Opening the door now, sir."

"Oh, and make sure his elevator up here gets stuck between floors for about five minutes."

~0~

Tony was sat in the main living room when Fury appeared out of the elevator with a look on his face like he was ready to kill, and asked, "What's up?"

"Are you aware of the fact that your so called _husband_ has probably just started a war?" Fury asked as he crossed the room.

"Well, I know he did us the favour of wiping out Doom's bots so they won't be attacking us for a while," he replied nonchalantly.

Fury placed a USB stick on the table. "I suggest you play this file."

"JARVIS, can you access this and bring it up?" Tony said as he plugged the USB into his laptop.

A holographic image appeared in the air, flickering and fuzzy at first, and then the haze cleared to reveal the smoking ruins of a half destroyed castle.

"What is that?" Tony asked.

"That is Castle Doom," Fury replied. "Or what's left of it."

"But I thought Doom had satellite imagery blocked?"

"He did, but our best guess is that the equipment was housed in the castle itself and got destroyed when it exploded."

"_Exploded?_" Tony asked.

"We have several SHIELD agents deep undercover in the local area. All reported the same thing. The castle windows started to glow with a gold light that turned to green, and then there was an explosion."

"Wow," Tony laughed. "I knew Loki was powerful, but I had no idea he was _that_ powerful."

"You think this is _funny?_" Fury barked.

"You don't?" Tony asked. "He achieved something you've been trying to do for years, he did it alone, and it looks like he brought the entire damn castle down on his own head and still managed to walk away from it. I find that pretty impressive."

"And you don't think this will provoke Doom?"

"Well, even if it does and he attacks us Loki beat him this time and he'll do it again," Tony said.

"You better pray that you are right about this, Stark, because if Doom attacks and he stands by and does nothing, it'll be your ass on the line for this," Fury said, then took a step closer. "I'll make sure you a thrown in a cell so deep and dark it'll make your time in the cave look like a walk in the park. You understand me?"

"Yes, boss," Tony replied quietly, hoping for his own sake that he wasn't wrong about Loki.

~0~

It took three days for Loki to wake up, three long boring days of him laying there looking like Sleeping goddamn Beauty with his black hair and perfect pale skin.

At one point Tony was so bored of waiting he wondered if Loki needed to be woken up with a kiss and leant over, gently placing his lips against Loki's slack mouth. He pulled back quickly and raised his hands to his mouth, shocked by the strange feeling, the odd crackle of power that seemed to emanate from Loki's still body.

He placed the tips of his fingers to Loki's cheek and felt it, the gentle hum that seemed to be just below the surface of his skin as he healed.

~0~

On the second day Thor had obviously been informed about the attack for the first time and burst into their suite and demanded to know if Loki was well.

"He's fine, Bruce took care of him, but keep your voice down, OK, he's sleeping," Tony reassured him.

Thor's shoulders sagged in relief. "You promise me he is well?"

"JARVIS, can you run a scan on Loki and tell Thor how he's doing?"

"Of course, sir," the AI replied. "I can report that all the tissue damage has now healed, and all the bone fractures are at the human equivalent of 5 weeks post injury."

"Damn, he heals _fast_," Tony said. "See, he's almost better."

"And this Doom that he vanquished? He is an enemy of Midgard?" Thor asked, with a frown.

"He's a pretty bad guy, yeah. Causes a lot of problems with his schemes and crazy plots."

"He shall pay for what he has done to my brother," Thor said lowly, his hands balling into fists.

"Wait, you aren't mad that he attacked Doom? Fury got himself into a bit of a tizzy over it. I thought it might be a black mark against Loki."

"This Doom was preparing to attack Midgard and Loki stopped him. I do not understand why I would be mad about that," Thor asked, looking confused.

"There's an old saying; the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Maybe that would apply to Loki here?"

"Aye, this was an act of great bravery, and one that the All Father will likely view most favourably," Thor announced with a smile, then he placed a hand on Tony's shoulder and said, "Perhaps your marriage is having a beneficial effect on my brother. It is most unexpected, but it is possible that you will be his redemption, Anthony, and I thank you for bringing my Loki back."

As Thor pulled him into a tight hug Tony choked out, "Let's not get ahead ourselves, big fella, long way to go yet."

~0~

The sun was setting, casting a golden glow over the room, as Tony gently climbed onto the bed and placed his cup of coffee quietly on the nightstand.

He picked up the TV remote, about to turn it on with the sound muted, when he heard a small sigh. He turned and watched as Loki's eyes fluttered open.

"Hey, you're awake. How are you feeling?" he asked quietly.

Loki blinked a few times. "I am well, although this is slightly irritating," he said, raising his taped up hand.

"You want me to take it off?"

"Please."

Tony started work, picking at the tape and pulling it off in sections. The skin underneath was totally unblemished and as perfect as ever. "Not a single scar," He said as he cradled Loki's hand in his.

"As long as the flesh meets cleanly we rarely scar."

"You have that little one on your lip, how did that happen?"

Loki scowled briefly. "I thought you had read the stories about me. You seemed particularly overjoyed by the one about Sleipnir."

"That's where they stitched your mouth shut?" Tony asked as he raised his hand and traced his fingertips over Loki's top lip.

"One of the stitches ripped through my lip, but since the thread was still there it did not heal properly," Loki said quietly.

Tony shuffled down the bed till he was lying on his side with his head on the pillow and raised his hand to Loki's cheek, gently brushing his thumb over the scar. He leaned forward and placed his lips against, planting a tender kiss over it.

Loki was smiling when he pulled back, and Tony just couldn't resist saying, "Phew, your breath stinks."

Loki chuckled and playfully swatted him across the head. "I have killed people for lesser insults than that, Stark."

"You wouldn't do that to me," Tony replied as he snuggled into Loki's side and tucked his head under his chin. "You love me too much to do that."

Loki hummed happily and replied, "We shall see."

~0~

~0~

On day 24 of their honeymoon Thor came to their suite and asked to speak with Loki.

"I'll have to wake him up, and you know that will put him in a shitty mood," Tony said, as he stood in the kitchen refilling the coffee machine.

"I am willing to suffer his wicked tongue. I have important news from Asgard," Thor said.

"OK, but don't blame me if you end up on fire or something," Tony said as he walked out of the room.

Tony quietly entered the bedroom and cursed his luck when he found Loki still asleep, spread-eagled all over the middle bed and hogging the covers, just as he had done all goddamn night. Tony had tried to move him or turn him in his sleep so he didn't have to make do with a six-inch strip at the edge, but it was like trying to move a dead elephant.

"Time to wake up," Tony said quietly as he edged the curtains open.

"If you open that one more inch I will separate your head from your body," Loki grumbled.

"Don't blame me. Thor's waiting for you in the kitchen," he said as he opened the curtain fully.

Loki pulled a pillow over his face. "Tell him I am busy."

"He said he has important news. I think you should see what he has to say."

Loki shrieked in frustration, sat up and threw the pillow so hard across the room that it hit the built in wardrobe door and smashed it into two pieces.

He jumped out of the bed and angrily threw on his green robe, tying at the waist tightly and snapped, "Very well, I shall see what he has to say, but if it is of no importance I suspect this meeting may end in violence."

"And it hasn't already?" Tony asked, looking at his wrecked wardrobe. "How the hell did you do that with a _pillow?_"

Loki closed his eyes, balling his fists up and then drew a deep breath. He opened his eyes again and said, "I am sorry. Thor makes me incredibly angry sometimes and I cannot control myself. I will fix it after he leaves."

"Its OK," Tony said, rubbing his hands over the sides of Loki's silk clad arms. "Just hear him out and don't let him get to you."

"I shall do my best," he replied quietly.

"That's all I'm asking of you," Tony said. "Just remember the dinner service is in the kitchen so if you two are gonna throw down just take it outside."

"Very well," Loki said, and allowed Tony to guide him out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen.

"Brother," Thor said, standing up from his chair as they entered. "I thank you for meeting with me. I bring important news."

"Get on with it then," Loki said as he took the orange juice out of the fridge and placed it on the countertop.

"I returned to Asgard to discuss your sentence with the All Father in light of your actions against the villain, Doom."

Tony watched Loki, noting the way his eyes flicked towards Thor, then away again, and the slight tremble in his fingers as he placed a glass next to the cartoon. He was obviously scared that this was going to be bad news.

"And what did he say?" Loki asked as he opened the carton and began to pour the juice.

"Odin has agreed to allow you to stay here on Midgard," Thor replied.

Loki squeezed the carton, causing the juice to spurt out all over the marble.

"That is fantastic news!" Tony exclaimed, putting his hand on Loki's shoulder. "Did you hear that? You can stay here with me?"

"I heard," Loki said softly, putting both hands on the counter and breathing out. "I assume he had conditions?"

"Aye, of course he does."

"Well let's hear them then."

"There are three. First you must give back the Tesseract," Thor said.

"All right," Loki said, as he waved his hands and then tossed the tesseract onto the marble work surface as if it were a Rubik's Cube. "And the others?"

"Just that you should not hurt anyone innocent and that I stay to keep watch over you."

"Very well then," Loki replied, as he undid the tie of his robe and let it fall to the floor. "You are free to watch as you please."

Tony had long held the idea that Asgard was a wild and free place, where people ran round naked in bathhouses and whorehouses, bedding wenches and palace guards alike, but seeing the embarrassed look on Thor's face he realised he might have to reconsider that. Maybe it was quite a conservative place and Loki was the black sheep of the kingdom? Or perhaps, more likely, Thor just didn't want to see his little brother running his hands over his own balls.

"Brother, must you?"

Loki's lips twisted into a feral grin as he cast his eyes skyward. "Oh, and Heimdall, I hope you will enjoy the show too, now I have dropped my cloaking spell. I have to warn you things may get a little depraved."

"I must take my leave now," Thor said, as he stood and picked up the Tesseract. "I hope Anthony and yourself to enjoy the rest of your day."

Once Thor had left the room Loki picked up his green robe and pulled it back on.

"You just can't help yourself can you?" Tony asked.

"I really can't. It's like a compulsion," Loki replied as he tied it round his waist.

~0~

~0~

On day 31, and the final day of their honeymoon, Loki brought Tony breakfast in bed, and if someone had told him just a month ago that a fucking _god_ would be serving him overcooked eggs on a tray he would have thought they were nuts.

The previous week had been oddly quiet and Tony would normally have felt quite disgusted by the sheer level of romantic crap that he had heard coming out of his own mouth, but he really didn't give a shit.

It felt right to sit and watch the sun go down as he held a cocktail in one hand, and his other arm wrapped securely round Loki's waist.

It felt right to snuggle up together on the sofa and watch _Friends_ reruns, even though Loki rather pointedly told him that if they were on ever on a break and he slept with someone else he would flay the skin from his body and use it to make a pair of slippers. He loved those little non-serious threats, or at least he hoped they were non-serious. Oh and snuggle? Since when did Tony fucking Stark, AKA the merchant of death, snuggle? Had he ever snuggled with Pepper? At this point he couldn't even remember.

It felt right to make sick-makingly sweet love in front of a hologram of an open log fire, because Tony had never thought to install a real one in the tower, and whisper twee professions of affection in each others ears.

Ah, screw it, it all just felt _right_, that was what counted, and suddenly all those sappy songs that he on the radio made sense.

Loki was free to stay on Earth, that's what Thor had said, so technically he didn't have to stay with Tony any more, and yet he had not left. Nothing in his demeanour indicated that he was even thinking of leaving, and he had been overjoyed when Tony had suggested that they take another camping trip to see the trees when the leaves change colour.

Tony allowed himself a small sliver of hope that everything would turn out for the best, and then came day 31 with its mistakenly hard boiled eggs and rolling around in a bed filled with toast crumbs and that was that, the honeymoon, and the embargo on attacks, was over and he started to worry about what would happen next.


	11. Chapter 11

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_**Tags**: Accidental marriage, FrostIron, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 11/14**

~0~

~0~

The first time Loki attacked it was with rabbits.

Giant six-foot tall rabbits that ran through Central Park, while Loki virtually pissed himself laughing as they tore through the trees and caused people to flee in terror.

Tony would have thought this was hilarious too, if he hadn't been handed his ass by Fury for cleaving the head off a bunny with a laser in front of a group of school kids on a day trip.

"I thought they were magic rabbits," Tony explained. "I really didn't expect that fountain of blood and the whole twitching ears thing."

_"Stark! You probably just traumatised those children for LIFE!"_ Fury barked over the comm._ "Ignore the rabbits. Everyone else is helping with the evacuation of the civilians from the area. I am ordering YOU to go for Loki. I repeat, Loki is your priority target."_

"Really? You want me to attack my own husband? That doesn't seem very politically correct."

_"Stark, you are THIS far from being charged with treason against your country for consorting with the enemy, so if you ignore this direct order I will see to it that your ass is thrown in jail so fast it will make your suit look like a snail."_

"OK, I'll see what I can do," Tony sighed as he set off across the park. "JARVIS? Can you locate Loki for me?"

"Coordinates are on the screen now, sir."

"Thanks, Jay."

Loki was in a childrens playground, rocking backwards and forwards gently on a swing when Tony landed on the sandy floor in front of him.

He smiled as Tony approached and said, "Greetings Man of Iron. Have you come to do battle with me?"

Tony raised his faceplate. "Actually… yeah… kinda. I've been given orders to stop you, or else my future's not looking so rosy."

"As if you could," Loki said as he narrowed his eyes and stood up from the swing.

Tony held out his hands and said, "Aw, c'mon, reindeer games, you don't wanna get me in trouble do you?"

"What did I tell you about calling me names!" Loki shrieked.

There was a flash of light that whited out Tony's vision. He raised his arms and closed his eyes, feeling the air move around him, and when he opened them again he was in Times Square, naked, and tourists were pointing their video cameras at him.

~0~

~0~

When Tony eventually got back to the tower, after being briefly arrested for public indecency, he made sure that his suit was safely packed away after it had been delivered by a SHIELD truck and then stormed down to their suite where he found Loki sat on the sofa eating cold hot dogs straight from the jar and balancing a laptop on his knees.

"What the _hell_ was that all about?" Tony raged.

"It was just a bit fun," Loki said. "Something to blow away the post honeymoon cobwebs and get you battle ready again."

"You know Fury is going to be down here any second to arrest you. What do you expect me to do? Tell him it was a training exercise?"

"Well, yes…" Loki said, looking slightly confused. "No one was injured. Why do you think I chose the park?"

"Wait, wait, you mean to tell me that you _weren't_ trying to take over the world with an army of giant rabbits?"

Loki snorted. "I know my plans in the past have proven to be somewhat feeble, but really, Stark, rabbits?"

Tony was about to reply when his phone rang with the now familiar Imperial Death March. "Shit. This is Fury."

"I suspect you should answer it. Better not keep him waiting," Loki replied as he turned his attention back to the laptop.

Tony swiped his finger across the screen and nervously held it to his ear. "Hello?"

_"Stark,"_ Fury growled. _"Would you care to explain what happened today or should I send a team down there to arrest you and your pet villain?"_

"It… erm… was a training exercise. We planned it all together. Didn't wanna tell anyone because then it wouldn't seem real and that would defeat the object of the plan."

_"Training exercise?"_

"Yeah, ya know the Avengers have basically been sat on their backsides for a month getting fat and lazy so Loki… and I decided to spring a little completely non harmful, and in no way villainous, surprise to get them back in shape."

_"You expect me to believe that pile of horse shit?"_

"Look, no one got hurt and nothing was damaged, apart from my dignity, so can't we just let this one slide and I promise, cross my heart and hope to die, that we'll never do anything like this again without your say so.

_"And what the hell was the naked in Times Square thing?"_ Fury shouted down the line.

"Just a little super powered flirting."

_"I give up. I don't get paid enough to deal with your shit,"_ Fury snapped and the line went dead.

"That sounds like it went well," Loki said.

"Well, I doubt we'll be getting a wedding present from him," Tony said as he slumped down onto the sofa.

"Shame," Loki replied, not looking up from the laptop. "We only need two more plates to complete our dinner service."

"Will you promise me that you won't do anything like that again?"

"What would be the point? I'd only end up breaking that promise, so if I said yes it would be a lie. You don't want me to lie to you, do you?" Loki replied, smiling at something on the laptop screen.

"What are you looking at that's so funny?" Tony asked, as he pulled the laptop round so he could see the screen. "Ahhhh."

"You have made all the news sites already," Loki replied as he grinned at the picture of Tony stood naked in the middle of the road, surrounded by tourists.

~0~

~0~

The next attack, which came almost two weeks later, came at the hands of a mummy who had awoken in the middle of a natural history museum special exhibition and then proceeded to resurrect all the other mummies, who shambled around, grabbing blindly at anyone within reach.

"This job just gets weirder and weirder," Tony said as he grabbed a mummy by the bandages at the back of it's neck and twisted until it's head came off in his hands. "Guys, mummies are worth a lot, right? 'Cause they break _really_ easily."

"I think they're probably priceless," Steve's voice came over the comm. "We're nearly done with the evacuation. We'll keep them contained inside the building. Are you anywhere near the leader?"

"We got reports that he's still in the Egyptian display. We're heading up there now," Tony replied as he was enveloped in a cloud of dust when Thor brought his hammer down on a mummy and reduced to a heap of dirty bandages and bones. "Thor! We really need to stop damaging these things if we can help it. They're worth a lot of money."

"I thought the Captain said they were priceless?" Thor asked.

"Ah, yeah, I can see how you'd think that but nope, we need to get to the main guy and just ignore these ones."

Thor twisted Mjolnir in his hands and said, "Lead the way."

~0~

They darted up the stairs, pushing shuffling figures out of the way harmlessly, and Tony wished he had the room to fly rather than run in his suit, which really wasn't built for it, but the low ceilings of the galleries and the precious treasures that were housed in them pretty much ruled that out.

As they rounded the corridor and arrived at the entrance of the special exhibition they paused outside for a moment, and Tony asked, "You ready?"

"Always," Thor replied.

Tony pushed open the doors and went inside, pleased to find there were no straggling mummies wandering between the glass cases.

At the back of the hall in a cavernous display space stood a giant pyramid with short columns either side of it, and a set of fake sandstone stairs led to a platform where a real live _Pharaoh_ stood.

"Well, there's something you don't see every day," Tony said, as he raised his faceplate to get a better look.

The man stood, unmoving, at the top of the stairs, wearing a flowing blue robe and headdress, with a large sword strapped to his waist. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could make a sound there was a flash of light.

"Brother," Thor gasped, as Loki appeared sitting on top of one of the wide columns, swinging his feet in the air. "Is this one of your schemes?"

"Calm yourself, Thor," Loki said as he lay back on one elbow. "I am merely here to enjoy the show."

The Pharaoh spoke, his voice loud and commanding, and even though Tony didn't know the language he was speaking in he could still tell it was obviously some kind of threat.

"Er… Didn't understand a word of that. Come again?" Tony asked.

The Pharaoh spoke again, his voice rising and become more threatening in tone.

"Nope, still didn't get it."

"He says his name is King Hatap and as you have defeated his brave guards you must come with him to defeat Cleopatra," Loki translated, as he plunged his hand into a cardboard bucket.

"You understood that?" Tony asked. "And where the hell did you get popcorn?"

Loki grinned and said, "The all tongue is very useful."

"Maybe we can put that tongue all over me later?" Tony asked with a wink.

Loki kicked his feet in the air playfully and chuckled. "Perhaps. It depends on your performance in battle."

The pharaoh looked between them, his face betraying his confusion as he watched Tony grin at Loki. He let out a loud roar, grabbed the sword from his side and launched himself forwards.

Thor quickly reached out with Mjolnir, blocking the blow that was aimed at Tony's unprotected face, and knocked Hatap backwards. The man recovered quickly, finding his feet and twirling his sword round his head, and then brought it down to land a solid blow onto Thor's raised vambrace.

Tony slammed his faceplate down and raised his hand, letting loose with his repulsor and aiming straight for Hatap's chest, but the blast met some kind of shielding.

"What the hell?" Tony shouted, as the pharaoh stood, grinning, as he held his sword across his chest and waited to strike again.

"He's using magic," Loki called from the top of the column, popping another kernel into his mouth.

"Are you just going to sit there or are you gonna help us?" Tony shouted.

"I intended to watch," Loki replied. "Watching you in battle is extremely pleasing to the eye."

"Pleasing?"

"Oh yes, watching you prove yourself to be a mighty warrior, well, shall we say I am sure I will show my appreciation in our chambers later."

"Well, if you put it that way," Tony said, and then launched himself towards Hatap, firing his repulsors rapidly until the force of the blasts knocked him onto his back, and Tony landed neatly beside him, one foot and one arm outstretched in a move that would have put Spider-Man to shame.

"Very nicely done," Loki said, clapping his hands.

"I've got more moves where that one came from," Tony said, as Hatap climbed to his feet.

Loki sat back, watching as Tony darted around the room making graceful swooping turns and dodging the sword as the increasingly frustrated Pharaoh flung it around himself like a windmill. Even Thor had little choice but to stand back and keep out of the way of the repulsor blasts as Tony wheeled in increasingly tight circles.

"I am becoming tired of this dance, Stark, I suggest you finish him quickly before I grow so bored I lose all interest," Loki announced with an elaborate yawn.

"Er, hello, magic shielding. Unless you're going to tell me how to get round that I have a feeling we're going to be here all night," Tony replied, as he landed at the base of the pillar.

"And to think I was told you were a genius. I feel I have been lied too," Loki replied, and then he sighed. "Think, Stark. If one weapon is able to pass out of the shielding then the same weapon will be able to pass back through it!"

"The sword!" Tony whispered. "Thor! A little help?"

"What do you need me to do?" Thor asked.

"Keep him busy, we need that sword."

Thor raised Mjolnir and charged forward as the Pharaoh raised his sword and slashed it down viciously. Thor sidestepped; missing the blow, and spun lightly on his feet bringing the hammer round in an arc and slamming it into Hatap's side.

The Pharaoh staggered under the force of the blow and released one hand from the hilt of his enormous sword to balance himself.

The angle was perfect, and Tony shouted, "Thor, get out of there," as he deployed the one shot laser and arced it through the air, bringing the red beam down until it cut through the six inches of the sword that were protruding from the magical shield.

Tony ran forward and grabbed the sword tip, then rammed it through the shield and into the Hatap's chest.

The pharaoh gasped, and looked down, then back at Tony as his skin began to turn grey, growing thinner and wizened as his flesh began to melt from the inside out. He let out a sound, a breathy moan that faded as his vocal chords rotted away, and collapsed to the floor, little more than bones, dust and blue robes.

"Bravo, man of Iron," Loki announced loudly as he vanished from the top of the pillar and reappeared by Tony's side. "You vanquished the villain. You are indeed my hero."

There was a crash from the far side of the room as the doors burst open and Steve, Clint and Natasha barrelled through, ready to fight.

"You get him?" Steve asked.

"Yup," Tony said. "Mummies?"

"They all sort of went stiff and fell over," Clint said. "It was pretty creepy."

"Anthony fought bravely, my friends," Thor said, clapping his brother on the shoulder. "Loki also helped defeat the villain."

"I did not!" Loki exclaimed. "I was merely a casual observer making observations that may have proven useful."

"Loki helped?" Natasha asked, her brow creasing in confusion.

"I wish to go home, Stark," Loki snapped, as he bent down and picked up the Pharaoh's blue robes and head dress.

Loki grabbed Tony by the arm and teleported them back to the landing pad of the tower, and once the armour was safely packed away they made their way down to their suite.

"Soooo, was that… pleasing enough for you?" Tony asked as they arrived in the bedroom. "Do I get my reward now?"

"Oh yes," Loki replied as he pushed Tony onto the bed. He picked shook the dead mummy dust from the blue head dress and placed it on his head. He grinned and said, "Now, prepare to be ruled by your king."


	12. Chapter 12

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_**Tags**: Accidental marriage, FrostIron, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 12/14**

~0~

~0~

Tony and Loki had been married for four months when the world almost ended.

There had been numerous other attacks in that time; robots and aliens and strange exploding soldiers who breathed fire, and the Avengers had defeated every one of them.

Loki was always there, watching from a high vantage point as he delicately sipped Diet Coke through a straw, never once lifting a finger to help them, and then after the battle he would whisk Tony back to the tower for a bout of spectacularly destructive sex.

They had broken two beds in that time, and various items had been set on fire or encased in ice over the first month, but eventually they settled down into a quiet routine.

Tony woke up one morning feeling better than he had in years and suddenly realised that he couldn't even remember the last time he'd had a nightmare about portals, and aliens and nuclear bombs resting on his back.

He left Loki sleeping and went down to his workshop, looking at the tools he hadn't touched in weeks and the plans he had for at least another 4 suits.

He ran his hand across the chest of the Mark XVII armour, which he had named Heartbreaker, and then almost laughed at the aptness of the name. He'd broken Pepper's heart while he was down here building all these suits, in attempt to block out everything that happened.

She deserved better than that, but it was too late to do anything, other that apologise for the way he had treated her. Tony had heard that Pepper was dating Happy now, and apparently they were getting on great. He really hoped it worked out for them both.

The Heartbreaker armour had the ability to generate a personal shield, and in a way that is what every one of these new armours had been: a shield to keep him safe from all the bad things in the world. In the end though they had blocked out everything bad and everything good along with it and looking at them was a painful reminder of what he lost. He wouldn't let it happen again.

"JARVIS, delete all armour schematics numbered 7 through 42," he ordered. "Keep the Mark VI suit, and begin work on disassembling every armour built after that."

"Are you sure, sir?" JARVIS asked.

"Yup," Tony replied. "I don't need them anymore."

~0~

There had been many discussions over the previous few months about whether Loki would return to being a villain, but he seemed quite content to lounge around the tower annoying everyone most of the time.

Steve came for breakfast less after the tenth time he walked in on Loki stripping Tony naked in the communal kitchen, and despite Loki's shrieks of _"You just can't handle our love! You are prejudiced!"_ Steve claimed it was purely for hygiene reasons.

Loki wandered off occasionally, a day or two here and there, and Tony quickly got used to him coming home with a triumphant smile on his face, caked in blood and black stuff and other unidentifiable goo.

"Where does he go?" Tony had asked Thor once.

A strange look crossed Thor's face and he replied, "I do not care to ask, but Loki has always been prone to mischief. Be thankful that he is inflicting it upon other realms and not this one."

"Point taken," he replied, and never bothered asking again.

Loki always seemed so happy and relaxed after his little trips to god knows where, and if it was keeping down his urge for shenanigans that was fine with Tony, although he did have a sneaking suspicion Loki was behind the plot to bring all the soft toys down at the local Disney Store to life.

The day the world almost ended had begun well enough, until Loki had gone out onto the terrace and came straight back inside muttering about the "fucking ravens" that circled in the sky over the tower.

"Get out there and see what they want!" he shrieked at Thor across the living room. "The last time they arrived here with a message I ended up with a broken leg, so this time _you_ can do their bidding."

Thor went out on the balcony and the Avengers watched from inside as the ravens circled down, landing on the railing next to him. They hopped closer, and then took turns fluttering onto his shoulder, placing their beaks at his ear.

"Are they _talking_ to him?" Clint asked.

"What are they?" Natasha added.

"Father's ravens. They bring news from Asgard," Loki replied.

The ravens left, soaring up into the sky until they vanished, and then Thor re entered the room, his face ashen, and simply said, "Something is coming."

~0~

~0~

The Ravens message had been short, simply to prepare for danger lurked close, and both Thor and Loki assured everyone that Odin would not have sent them for a trifling matter.

The message had gone out, first to Fury, and then to the council, and from them it propagated to military installations all over the world. Something was coming, they knew not what or where, but the shit really was about to hit the fan.

They waited, prowling round the tower like caged animals, maintaining a high alert as Tony and Bruce ran scans, even though they had no idea exactly what they were looking for. They knew NASA had been alerted and were watching the skies, searching on every known telescope and radio frequency for anything heading their way, so instead they began running low level tests on Earth, looking for anything out of the ordinary.

While Tony ran round his workshop, pressing his fingers at screens and barking orders to JARVIS, Loki sat cross-legged in the corner, reaching out with his mind to sense for any unusual magical presence in the area.

Tony turned when he heard a gasp from the corner of the room. "What's up? Feel a disturbance in the force?"

Loki swallowed a few times, and looked up and Tony with wide eyes. "The ravens were right, something is on its way here and it arrives soon."

"_Here_, here? As in New York?" Tony asked, and Loki nodded. "JARVIS, get Fury on the line right now."

"Right away, sir," JARVIS replied.

"What can you tell me about it?" Tony asked. "Is it magic?"

"No, it is not, but there is a strange aura around it, I want to say in its flesh, but I fear this being is not flesh at all," Loki replied.

"And it's heading this way?"

"Aye," Loki replied, and held up a shaky hand, pointing towards the sea.

_"Stark? What's going on?"_ Fury's voice echoed round the room.

"I have new information. The…whatever this is, is heading for New York, coming in from the Atlantic."

_"And where did you get this information?"_

"Loki said h-"

_"I should have known it. Is he behind this?"_ Fury barked.

"Given that he currently looks like he's seen a ghost, I'd say no," Tony replied. "Look, you really need to get everyone on this right away because if this thing can scare a god I think we really have a really big problem here."

~0~

~0~

An hour later and the orders came through for the Avengers to suit up and head out to the Hellicarrier, which was being moored just off Sandy Hook bay, and as they assembled in the Quinjet hangar Loki lounged in a chair behind them, idly picking at his nails.

"Are we ready?" Steve asked.

"All present and correct," Tony replied. "Are we flying or going by more unconventional means?"

"Unconventional?" Steve asked.

"Well we have our own personal teleporter right here," Tony said slapping Loki on the back. "I'm assuming you can take all of us straight there?"

"And why should I help you?" Loki asked, looking up at him.

"Because I'll do this," Tony said, sticking out his bottom lip. "Pwease. Pwetty pwease will you help us."

Loki sniggered, and said, "Oh all right, but when we get home you must make it up to me."

"Oh I will, don't you worry about that."

Loki stood up and held out his hand. "We must all be in physical contact. Hold hands and form a circle."

"You can take all of us at once?" Clint asked. "Is it safe?"

"Of course I can take you," Loki said, then he grinned. "I can't guarantee we will all arrive however."

Clint snatched his hands away from the circle. "Forget this shit. I'm not having him dumping me in some black hole."

"Clint, we need you," Natasha shouted after him has he walked away.

"Fuck that, I'll be in the Quinjet."

Loki watched Clint walk away with a grin on his face and then turned back to the group. "Well, now that unpleasantness is over, close the circle, Thor. Join hands with Natasha."

Loki closed his eyes and Tony didn't know whether he should close his too or whether he wanted to see exactly what this looked like, but as the room started to glow around them it became too bright to keep them open. There was a blinding light that seared his eyes even through the closed lids, and then he heard the gentle sound of seagulls and the smell of the ocean.

"Wow, that was amazing," Tony said as he opened his eyes and found himself on the deck of the Hellicarrier.

"That was… pretty special," Steve agreed.

"I didn't give clearance for him to be onboard!" Fury shouted as he strode across the deck.

"He's our early warning system," Tony replied, and then he turned to Loki, and said, "You aren't going to do anything bad are you?"

"We shall see," Loki replied with a shrug.

Tony turned back to Fury. "See, it's all good."

"Are you 100% sure this thing is coming in from the sea?" Fury asked.

"I can feel it," Loki replied. "It is much stronger than it was before. It will be upon us soon."

"We evacuated the coastal regions on your word alone, but we've got two submarines out there combing the water and they can't pick up a damn thing. If you are lying about this and it turns out you have wasted our time and the resources it took to organise such swift response there _will_ be consequences."

"Trust me, it is coming. Wait..." Loki said, and then he turned to Thor, and said, "Do you hear that?"

"Aye, I do," Thor replied, twisting the hammer in his hand.

"What? I don't hear a thing," Steve said.

"Mjolnir is singing," Thor replied. "She senses danger approaching."

There was a sound that seemed to rise from the ocean bed itself; a dull clang of metal upon metal, and then the roar of water as a submarine emerged from the sea, flung into the air by some invisible force.

As the submarine crashed back down, landing flat against the ocean surface with a force that broke its back, splitting it open, it caused a huge wave that rocked the Hellicarrier sideways.

"What the hell just happened?" Tony shouted as he regained his footing on the swaying deck.

"Look, look!" Thor shouted, pointing out a trail of bubbles in the water that was heading right for them.

"Is that a torpedo?" Natasha asked.

"JARVIS can't detect anything in the water," Tony added.

"It's here," Loki said, grabbing Tony's arm.

The water began to bubble, frothing white just a hundred yards from the Hellicarrier, and then it broke over an enormous silver metal dome that rose from the seabed. The dome moved upwards until it revealed two eyes, a rudimentary nose and mouth, as the giant robot stood, towering into the sky.

"Grab onto something!" Steve shouted as an enormous bow wave raced towards the Hellicarrier.

There were shouts and screams as the crew on the deck ran desperately for cover, but the Avengers were stood in the middle of the deck when the wave hit and the world tilted sideways as the Hellicarrier listed to one side with a creak of metal under stress.

Water rushed over the deck, knocking them off their feet, and carrying them towards the edge.

Steve was on his back, one hand wrapped around a cable that was slung across the deck, reaching out with his other arm as bodies washed past him. He made a grab for Bruce, but missed him by millimetres as their fingers skimmed past each other. A blur of black came next, and Steve quickly grabbed the nearest part in reach and ended up with Natasha's booted foot securely in his grip.

"Bruce!" Natasha screamed, reaching out, but she could only watch helplessly as the wave carried him away with a terrified look on his face as he was swept into the sea.

Tony rolled over, metal fingers scrapping against the deck, frantically trying to find purchase, and then he saw a flash of green and gold wash past him. He threw out his arm, grabbing desperately at the figure as he tumbled past, and managed to grab hold of something.

A hand was in his, and as the Hellicarrier swayed back upright the water receded, Loki rolled over, coughed up a lungful of water, and then turned to Tony and said, "Thank you."

"Everyone OK?" Tony asked.

"Bruce!" Natasha called again, as she rushed to the edge. "Bruce got washed away."

"I'll find him," Tony said, preparing to fire his jets, but before he could lift off there was a roar and Hulk leapt from the water, landing heavily on the deck. "Oh, guess there's no need then."

Fury was on his feet, his wet leather coat flapping against his legs as he ran towards the door to the command centre shouting, "Fire all weapons. I repeat, fire all weapons at that thing. We have to stop it before it makes landfall."

A section in the deck near the command module began to draw apart, and out of it rose an enormous cannon which turned and pointed towards the robot who was still advancing slowly through the water.

The barrel of the gun drew back and then bright white pulses of light shot out of it with an electrical shriek. The bolts crossed the bay and slammed into the back of the robot, forcing it forward with the power of the blasts.

Steam started to rise from the water causing a dense fog to surround the giant robot, so thick that it was shielded from view.

"Did they get it?" Natasha asked.

"Nothing could have survived that, surely?" Steve asked, but as the fog cleared the robot stood, undamaged and facing the Hellicarrier.

"I get the feeling we just pissed it off," Tony shouted. "I think we need to get out of here."

The robot raised its hand to the side of its head and its eyes began to glow red.

"Grab on to each other!" Loki shouted, grasping Tony's arm tightly and grabbing Thor's bicep.

"Fury, it's attacking!" Tony shouted over the comm. "You need to get out of there!"

A beam of red light emerged from the robot's eyes, slashing across the bay towards the ship, and as the circle of hands was completed, Loki teleported them across the water to the far shore, where they watched as the beam cut through the skin of the Hellicarrier like a knife.

"Shit!" Tony shouted. "What the fuck is that thing?"

The beam from the robot's eyes stopped abruptly and for a moment their was nothing but silence, but then there was the sound of rushing water and the screech of metal as water rushed in to fill the gaping holes where the Hellicarrier had been cleaved in two.

"Nick! Nick, can you hear me?" Tony asked desperately. "We need to get back out there and help them. There could be people trapped."

"I believe we may be too late," Thor said as the front end of the ship fell away, sinking rapidly in the frothing mass of white water. The back half bobbed for a moment, but as water began to rush in, it too was sucked beneath the waves.

* * *

Thank you for all the lovely reviews people have left! I do appreciate all of them :-) Only two more chapters to go now!


	13. Chapter 13

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_**Tags**: Accidental marriage, FrostIron, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 13/14**

~0~

~0~

There was a roar overhead as military jets wheeled round in the sky and turned, heading straight for the robot. They loosed rockets that streaked through the sky and then impacted with machine, knocking it sideways, but leaving it otherwise undamaged.

"What the hell does it take to kill that thing?" Natasha asked.

"Call it, Cap," Tony said. "We need a plan."

Steve was quiet for a moment, barely able to tear his eyes away from the robot, and then said, "OK, what do we know about this thing?"

"I dunno. It's _indestructible?_" Natasha said.

"Everything has a weakness, its just a matter of finding it," Steve said. "Tony I want you to run scans on it, tell me any information you can get."

"Will do," Tony replied.

Steve turned to Loki and asked, "You could feel this thing coming. Is there anything else you can tell us about it?"

"Why should I help you?" Loki asked. "I've already saved your lives once today and I brought you here. I believe my work is done."

"If you help us I won't complain next time I find you and Tony fucking on the kitchen table," Steve replied.

Loki cackled and said, "Oh Captain, I did not expect you to have such a foul mouth."

"I was in the army, Loki. I probably know more cuss words than all of you put together."

"Very well then, I shall agree to your terms. What would you like to know?"

"Is it alien technology?"

"No," Loki replied. "The magic controlling it is definitely Midgardian in origin. It is very strange though."

"Strange?"

"Well, and this is quite confusing, I can feel enormous levels of power emanating from this machine, and yet the magic is quite weak."

"So it's power source isn't magic?" Steve asked.

"No, in fact, my best guess is that someone is using magic to control this beast from an entirely different location."

Steve grabbed Loki by the shoulders, and asked, "Can you break their control over it?" and then he noticed the scowling look on Loki's face and quickly released him. "Sorry."

"Perhaps," Loki replied softly. "But if I do I want something in return."

Steve grimaced. "OK, name it."

Loki looked round the group. "I have heard the things that you have all said about me and I know that you all think Stark should send me away. I will admit that I did marry him in the hopes of staying on Midgard, and perhaps I did trick him into it by getting him drunk, but I have grown fond of him in a way that never dreamt I would, and hope he has grown fond of me in return. I want you all to accept that I am not going to leave him as long as he desires my company."

"Er… Loki, big robot with lasers for eyes heading this way, might wanna hurry it up a bit," Tony said as the giant machine made landfall.

"Shut up, Stark. I haven't finished declaring my love for you," Loki snapped, as the robot began to walk down the avenue towards them.

"Aw, honey, I love you too, and I'd love to show you how much, but it's looking like I might be dead pretty soon."

Loki looked over his shoulder. "Oh yes, it is getting rather close, isn't it?"

"Loki," Natasha said. "If you help us stop that robot you have my blessing. I'll even get Clint to stop talking shit about you _and_ buy you some side plates."

"I don't _need_ side plates, we need two more dinner plates," Loksnapped back.

"I'll buy them, just stop that thing."

Loki rolled his eyes, and said, "Very well then, I shall assist you," Then raised his hand and pointed a finger at the Avengers, "but afterwards I want no complaining ever again."

"You got it," Steve said. "OK, let's do this thing. We'll hang back, and once Loki disables the magical control we'll take it down."

Loki stood in the middle of the avenue as the Avengers moved towards cover, leaving only Tony stood by his side as the machine approached.

It was a hundred foot tall, made of sheer silver metal without a single joint where plate met plate, and Tony wondered who the hell built this thing and how?

"Ultimo," Loki whispered.

"What?"

"I can feel the commands it is receiving. That is his name."

"Ultimo," Tony repeated. "That's like totally not intimidating or anything. Hey, you'll be OK, right? I mean you're an immortal god so it can't kill you or anything?"

Loki breathed in sharply through his nose and said, "I suppose we shall find out."

Tony pressed a panel on his suit and it popped open, he took something from it, and held it out to Loki. "If you put this in your ear we'll be able to stay in touch so you can tell me how you're doing."

Loki smirked slightly. "Anyone would think you were worried about me, Stark."

"I _am_ worried about you," Tony said as Loki raised his helmet and popped the device into his ear. "You just make sure you come back to me, all right? Don't take any stupid risks."

"Go, before it is too late."

"Promise me."

"I promise you I will return, now go!" Loki said, as he placed a hand on Tony's chest and pushed him.

Ultimo was less than a hundred yards from their position, his giant feet causing the ground to shake, as Tony blasted off into the sky.

Loki closed his eyes and teleported himself to Ultimo's shoulder, and then found himself sliding along the sheer metal, struggling to find purchase on the seamless surface. He moved closer to Ultimo's neck, placing his hands on the segmented cords that stood out like tendons on his neck.

Loki snatched his hand away from the metal, letting out a shout of surprise.

"You OK?" Tony asked over the comm.

"It is just a little hotter than I expected," Loki replied, putting is hand back down.

_"If it's gonna hurt you, get out of there right now,"_ Tony said.

"I am not a weakling, Stark, a few blisters never hurt anyone, and I have to be in physical contact with it to disable the spell," Loki replied. "Now do be quiet while I work."

Loki closed his eyes sending out tendrils of magic, probing the spell that surrounded the metal beast, and he traced the stream back to its source.

"Those bloody Ravens," Loki muttered. "They talk in riddles. This is their fault."

_"Ravens?"_ Tony asked, and then added,_ "I thought they were the ones who gave us this intel."_

"Yes, they also came to warn me about four months ago. When they said 'metal man preparing attack' I assumed they just meant Doom, not that he was preparing this."

_"Wait, wait, Doom built this thing?"_

"He did not build it, no. He is controlling it though."

_"Loki,"_ Steve's voice came over the comm. _"If you can disable the spell will you be able to create a new one so you can control it?"_

"I shall try my best," Loki said as he placed his hand back on the burning metal and closed his eyes.

He probed the limits of the spell, finding weaknesses in the link between Ultimo and Doom. From this distance the spell was weakened, the giant robot being controlled like a puppet on a strings, and all Loki had to do was find those strings and cut them.

Loki was vaguely aware of a strange smell, but he concentrated harder and found a flaw in Doom's casting. He wasn't sure if it was a fatal flaw, but he would take it, and as he investigated deeper into the woven tendrils and started breaking them the giant robot came to a standstill in the middle of the street.

The ribbons of magic started to unravel beneath his fingertips and Loki could feel Doom pulling on them, trying to reshape them so he could retain control. Loki grinned and said, "Oh no you don't."

Loki's eyes snapped open as the last threads of the spell broke and he was surprised to find himself surrounded by foul smelling smoke. He looked down and realised the soles of his boots were smouldering and burning beneath his feet, and teleported down to the street, not even want to look at his hand which had also been in contact with the hot metal but strangely did not hurt.

The Avengers stood, moving over towards Loki, and Steve asked, "Did you do it?"

"I have severed Doom's link to the machine, yes, but we have a problem," Loki replied.

"What's that?" Steve asked.

"I did not gain control of him. Doom obviously spent months, possibly even years, perfecting the control spell before he activated him, and while it would not take me that long, it would take days at least."

"So he's going to just stand there in the street?" Natasha asked.

"No," Loki answered. "He will follow the last command he received."

"And that was?" Tony asked.

"If it moves, it dies. If it resists, it dies first," Loki said, as the robot began to power up behind him, it's eyes glowing red.

"So what do we do?" Tony asked.

"We move," Loki shrieked as he grasped Tony's arm. "Everyone hold on!"

He teleported them further down the street, out of harms way for now, and then Tony grabbed his left hand.

"What the hell happened to you?" he asked.

"Oh, that looks considerably worse than I imagined it would," Loki said, as he caught sight of his hand. Most of it was scorched black, the surrounding tissue was red and blistered, and on his palm and fingers the top layers of flesh had burnt away revealing the bones underneath.

"That happened when you touched it?" Steve asked.

"I told you, the skin of it was incredibly hot to the touch."

"When I scanned it, it wasn't giving off any kind of heat signature. It shouldn't have been that hot," Tony said.

"Then perhaps the magic was shielding it," Loki replied.

"JARVIS, can you run some scans on that thing now?" Tony asked.

Holographic displays showing Ultimo in all his details appeared on the HUD, and Tony couldn't help but say, "Shit!"

"What is it?" Steve asked.

"That thing, I've never seen anything like it, the power levels contained inside it are damn near physically impossible."

"So its batteries aren't gonna die any time soon?" Natasha asked.

"Oh, it's worse than that," Tony said, and then he was cut off by a whine of engines in the air as the Quinjet flew over their heads.

_"Hey guys, you missed me?"_ Clint's voice came over the crackly comm line, and then as Ultimo looked skywards, raised his hand to his head and loosed a red beam into the sky towards the jet._ "Oh shit!"_

They watched as the jet weaved across the sky, avoiding the beam, and shot off across the bay out of range.

"We sure did," Steve replied. "Where've you been?"

_"I had to pick a few things up first,"_ Clint replied.

_"And now we're here to pick you up,"_ Fury said over the comm.

The Avengers smiled, and Steve said, "Good to have you back, Director. You gave us all quite the scare back there."

_"I'm pretty hard to kill, Captain Rogers, don't worry about me,"_ Fury said._ "If you can make your way to a safe pick up point in the next minute or so that would be much appreciated."_

"Pick up?" Natasha asked.

_"The evacuation is proceeding to plan, the entire bay area has been cleared out thanks to those few hours notice Loki gave us. The council, against my advice, has decided to launch a low yield nuclear device at the machine."_

"They haven't come up with any new plans since New York?" Steve asked.

_"I still think it's a stupid ass decision, but since there's no portal to throw it through I just wanted to get your guys out of the way before it happens,"_ Fury replied.

"No, no, no!" Tony shouted. "Nick, if they do that it's gonna put a hole in the side of the world."

_"Excuse me?"_

"The power levels on that thing are off the chart. They are basically throwing a small nuclear bomb at an even bigger bomb, and when it goes off the blast will be so big there'll be no safe place to hide."

_"Are you sure?"_

"One hundred percent sure, Nick. If this thing goes up you can kiss goodbye to half the _state_."

Fury was quiet for a moment, obviously thinking over his options, but in his heart Tony knew what he was going to say.

_"Stark, even if I tell them that they will not rescind their order, now I hate to ask you to do this, but someone needs to stop that bomb, and only you have the flight control and speed to do it,"_ Fury said.

"You can't talk to them?" Tony asked.

_"Tony, I wouldn't ask you to do this if I thought for a second that they would listen."_

Tony took a deep breath and asked, "When is it launching?"

_"The plane is in the air. You should see it any minute."_

There was a roar of jet engine as a plane streaked across the bay far out at sea, and Tony felt his heart start to pound. His breath caught in his chest. He lifted his faceplate trying to drag air into his closing lungs and he turned away from his team, hoping they wouldn't see him breaking down.

As his vision swam and his hearing faded in and out he felt hands on his cheeks.

"Tony, listen to me. You can do this," Loki said softly.

"I can't," he gasped in reply. "I can't even breathe."

"You can do it. I'm going to be with you and we will do it together."

Tony's head snapped up. "How? Where the hell am I supposed to put the bomb? Just fly to the moon with it. There is NO PORTAL!"

"Trust me, my love, I have a plan," Loki said as he took his hands away.

"Oh gross, did one of your blisters just burst on my face?" Tony asked wiping at his face with his gloved hand.

"Sorry about that," Loki replied, not mentioning the little flap of skin that had torn off his hand and was currently flapping on Tony's cheekbone.

_"You can stop this?"_ Fury asked.

"We can, I just need Stark to take me to the bomb," Loki replied.

"And how exactly am I supposed to do that? I can't carry you bridal style. The last time I tried to pick you up I nearly shredded my spine."

"All you must do is fly, and I shall sit on your back."

"Sit on my back? Are you nuts?"

"Thor would often carry me to places on his back as he flew. I fail to see the problem," Loki said.

"Aye, tis true. I carried Loki to many adventure clinging on to my back. He is a very accomplished passenger. You should have no fear, Stark," Thor said.

"You two are fucking crazy," Tony muttered, and turned around. "Come on then. Let's go kill ourselves."

Loki wrapped one arm around Tony's neck, and the other around his chest, pulling himself tightly against his back.

"You ready?"

"I am."

"OK, hold on," Tony said, and he blasted off into the air as a puff of white smoke appeared under the plane and a single white trail streaked across the sky as the bomb was launched.

* * *

Tomorrow I will be posting the final chapter! Thanks to everyone who has stuck with me :-)


	14. Chapter 14

**Title:** A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.  
**Pairing/Characters: **Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.  
**Summary: **Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: _"Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."  
_**Tags**: Accidental marriage, FrostIron, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.

* * *

**A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married. **

**Chapter 14/14**

~0~

~0~

Tony dodged the laser beam that Ultimo aimed at them as he flew over the buildings and then headed out to sea across the bay.

"What's the plan?" Tony asked.

"Just get me within touching distance of it," Loki replied, his voice faint and whipped away by the wind.

"JARVIS, prepare to divert all available power to the thrusters."

"Preparing to divert all power from non essential systems. Power will be increased by 32%."

Tony wheeled round in the sky, placing himself behind the bomb and slightly below. "JARVIS, do it!"

The sudden increase in power shot him forward, carrying them level with the bomb, and he looked back to see Loki reaching out with one hand towards it.

"Closer!" Loki shouted.

Tony shifted his angle of flight, edging them closer to the bomb as he watched Loki's outstretched fingertips finally touch one of the white fins.

There was a flash of light that Tony was forced to close his eyes, and for a second he thought_ 'shit, that's it I'm dead… except if I'm dead how am I thinking this?' _and he opened his eyes.

Space.

They were in space, and not just the outer edges of space where Tony had been before and seen the sky turn to stars, but with the comfort of the ground still visible far below. This was actual _space_, and as Tony watched Loki release the bomb he turned his head and saw Saturn.

Before Tony could even say _'what the FUCK?'_ there was another flash of light and when he opened his eyes again he was tumbling through the skies of Earth, and Loki was gone from his back.

"JARVIS, get all propulsion systems back online now, and find Loki," Tony shouted.

"Sir, I have found Loki, he is approximately 35ft directly above us and falling, but I am having difficulty with ice build up around vital systems."

"I thought we beat the icing problems?"

"Sir, if I may, the icing problem in the upper atmosphere is not as severe as deep space. I am working on restoring power now."

"Work faster," Tony said as he saw the ground looming closer. "Work much faster!"

There was a whine as the boot thrusters spluttered, attempting to start, and then finally kicked into life, propelling Tony upwards sluggishly as they struggled to reach full power, and towards Loki who was falling without moving, his cape fluttering in the wind.

Tony grabbed him as they fell past the first floor of a multi-storey parking garage, and then remembered just how heavy the god was. Tony fought against the extra weight, managing to slow their fall considerably, but they still weren't flying.

Tony felt a sickening crunch as they smashed into the roof of a car, crushing it completely, and then rolled over the bonnet and landed on the floor in a heap of limbs.

Tony sat up quickly and raised his faceplate, turning to see Loki lying on his back on the floor, still unconscious.

He got up on his knees and leaned over him, pulling one glove off and tapping him gently on the face, avoiding the ugly cut on his cheekbone that was dripping blood. "Loki. Loki, wake up."

Tony sat back down and dragged Loki onto his knees, cradling him in his arms as best he could, and said, "Don't you dare do this to me! You need to wake up now!"

Loki's lashes fluttered, he opened his eyes, and Tony breathed a sigh of relief. "I thought you were dead."

"Why Tony Stark, I think you might be my hero," Loki replied with a grin.

"You gave me such a fucking a scare there," Tony said.

"You think even a god can run around in space without oxygen?" Loki asked as he climbed to his feet.

"You ever do anything like that again and I'll kill you myself."

Loki let out a snorting laugh, and was about to speak when they heard an explosion in the distance as Ultimo still strode down the avenue, firing his lasers at anything that moved.

"Perhaps we should return to the battle," Loki said as he watched a building collapse in the distance.

"How the hell are we gonna stop this thing if we can't just blow it up?" Tony asked.

"What is Eyjafjallajökull?" Loki asked, and Tony looked at him quizzically. "It is something I heard when I was fighting with Doom to break the spell. He thought of it quite distinctly."

"Any ideas, JARVIS?" Tony asked.

"Eyjafjallajökull is a volcano that erupted in Iceland in 2010, sir," the AI replied.

"Oh yeah, I remember that," Tony said, and then he suddenly said. "Wait, the heat, the power could be geothermal. Do you think there is any chance Doom may have found this robot in the volcano?"

"It is entirely possible," Loki replied as he stared off into the distance. Suddenly he turned round, his cape flaring out, and he said, "I have an idea to defeat the machine."

"What do we need to do?" Tony asked.

~0~

_"Stark, where the hell are you?"_ Fury shouted over the comm. _"We need you down here right now. This situation is out of control."_

"Nick, we've got an idea to beat this thing. I'm working on it right now," Tony replied.

_"What idea?"_

"I'm not exactly sure, I'll have to get back to you on that one."

_"So what exactly are you doing while we are down here getting our asses kicked?"_

"I'm kinda flying round over the city with a Norse god on my back, feeling faintly ridiculous," Tony replied.

_"You're what?"_ Fury exclaimed.

Loki suddenly pointed and shouted, "North. I need to head north towards the park."

_"Stark. Manhattan was only in the early stages of evacuation. Everyone has been ordered indoors, but If this thing doesn't go down soon god knows how many lives will be lost."_

"We're doing our best, boss. I'll get back to you soon."

"There! We need to land there!" Loki shouted as they reached the north end of Central Park.

Tony landed neatly, raised his faceplate and asked, "What is it?"

Loki hopped off his back, knelt and ran his hands over the grass. "It's a fault line. I can feel it."

"Why were we looking for a fault line?"

"I'm going to open it."

"_What?_" Tony gasped. "You can't do that. You'll create a goddamn volcano in Central Park."

Loki looked up and tilted his head. "And how else are we going to defeat this foe if it is not by sending him back whence he came? Do _you_ have a plan?"

"You couldn't teleport it into space or something?" Tony asked.

"Something that large?" Loki asked, raising an eyebrow. "You clearly overestimate my power. Do you have any other bright ideas?"

"No," Tony admitted.

"Then run along," Loki said, waving a hand dismissively. "Go find the others and attract the machine to this location and I will be waiting for you."

Tony closed his faceplate and blasted into the sky, wondering how the hell he was going to explain this one. A volcano in Manhattan probably wasn't Fury's idea of a plan, but was there any other way? They couldn't blow the damn thing up, and this volcano thing _might_ just work, or at least would hold the giant metal death robot until they found some other way of disposing of him.

"Guys," Tony said over the comm. "I'm coming to you. We've got an idea."

_"It's about damn time,"_ Clint replied.

_"What's the plan?"_ Fury asked.

"Errr… It's probably better if I explain it when we get there," Tony said as he landed down in the street where Thor and Steve were taking shelter behind an overturned car.

"Plan?" Steve asked, as the ground shook beneath their feet with every step the giant robot took.

"We need to lead it towards the park. Loki is there, waiting for us," Tony replied.

"Loki will destroy the beast?" Thor asked.

"Hmm… More neutralise than destroy," Tony replied.

"OK, so this thing is reacting to movement," Steve said, holding his hand to his ear so everyone could hear his commands. "Clint, I need you to come pick me and Natasha up. We can't move fast enough down here on the ground and would just slow this thing down. Set down in the parking lot behind the diner down the street. That should give you some cover."

_"No problem,"_ Clint answered.

_"I'll meet you there,"_ Natasha confirmed.

"Thor, I want you and Tony to get airborne. Just make a nuisance of yourself, do anything to attract its attention and then head north towards the park."

"Aye. I shall meet you in the park," Thor said as he began to spin Mjolnir, and then took off into the air.

"What about him?" Tony asked, as he looked up and watched Hulk clinging to the shoulder of the robot repeatedly punching it in the neck.

"I think we'll just let him get on with it," Steve replied with a shrug, and then he turned to Tony and asked, "Loki isn't going to let us down is he?"

"Oh ye of little faith," Tony said, and then he blasted off into the air. "JARVIS, patch me through to Loki, and only him."

"Opening a private channel now, sir."

"How's it going, babe?" Tony asked as he carved a path through the sky, wheeling round in arc until he was in the path of the robot.

_"Stark,"_ Loki ground out, sounding as if he was straining against something. "_What have I told you about calling me names?"_

"Sorry, how's it going my king, my lord and master?"

_"Not as well as I had hoped, but when you arrive at my location can you please instruct Thor to join me?"_

"Will do. We should be with you soon," Tony said, as he darted in front of Ultimo, twisting as he moved through the air to unleash a missile barrage.

_"I look forward to it,"_ Loki replied.

They alternated, the Quinjet, Thor, Iron Man and the Hulk, each taking a turn to dart in front of the enormous machine and attract it onwards, leading it down the wide road north.

With Steve calling out directions from the quinjet they finally lead Ultimo onto 5th Avenue, which allowed them to use the tall buildings for cover and gave them a straight shot down towards the park.

Tony could finally see trees and grass in the distance and asked, "Loki, are you ready?"

_"Not quite,"_ Loki replied. _"I am rather ashamed to admit that I still need Thor's help."_

"OK, as soon as we hit the edge of the park I'll get him to you," Tony replied.

Thor ducked out, shooting upwards to avoid a laser beam, as Hulk jumped in, leaping across the street from building to building, but as he took one final leap before rounding the corner Ultimo raised his hand to his head again and unleashed a bolt of red.

The beam caught Hulk in the side, carrying him through the side of a building and out of sight.

_"Hulk is down!"_ Steve's voice came over the radio. _"Tony can you handle this with Thor until we check on him?"_

Ultimo emerged from the buildings, following Iron Man, and smashed through the wall into Central park, tearing up the trees in his path with his hands. They were on open ground now, and with nothing to hide behind they were fish in a barrel.

"That's a negative Cap. Sorry to leave the party, but Loki needs us up ahead," Tony said as he wheeled through the sky.

_"Us?"_ he vaguely heard Steve ask as he swooped low across the ground and grabbed Thor by the hand and carried him into the air.

_"Tony, what are you doing?"_ Natasha shrieked over the comm.

Tony looked down and saw Thor staring up at him quizzically as he carried him over the treetops. "Sorry buddy, but your little brother has demanded your company."

As they cleared the tree line he saw Loki, stood on a mound of earth in front of an enormous crater.

"Loki, what are you doing?" Thor asked when Tony neatly set him by Loki's side.

"Creating a volcano to trap the machine," he answered, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"An excellent plan!" Thor exclaimed, as if it was the most natural thing in the world and Tony made a mental note to ask Thor to tell him stories of the shenanigans those two got up too back in the old days and have JARVIS take notes so he could sell it to a Hollywood producer. "You require my assistance?"

"As much as it pains me to say it, I do, yes," Loki replied. "I need you to let me channel Mjolnir's power and entwine her magic with my own."

"Brother, you know that is dangerous," Thor said lowly.

"Dangerous?" Tony asked.

"She has not forgiven him for the time he suggested I dress a bride to get her back after she was stolen. She said it was demeaning," Thor replied.

"It was a long time ago. She should be over it by now," Loki said dismissively. "Come, stand behind me."

Thor moved behind Loki, placing one hand round his waist and then holding out Mjolnir with his left hand.

Loki moved his hand towards the shaft of the hammer and then yelped in pain as a tiny electric spark arced to his already burnt fingers.

"Wretched thing!" Loki snarled. "If it were not for me you would still be in the hands of Thrym!"

"Loki, you should not goad her. You know she does not like it."

"Er, guys," Tony said, as he looked across the park. "Can we hurry this up? Giant killer robot heading this way!"

Loki closed his hand over Thor's, their fingers entwining, and Tony took a step back as this sort of _glow_ appeared around them. He watched as Loki raised his hand, and where his magic was usually invisible or accompanied by flashes of light or colour, this time he could see the waves of energy radiating from his palm like heat haze in the desert.

If he had ever doubted that Loki and Thor really were gods in the past, seeing them like this erased it _completely_.

The ground in front of them started to shake, the soil itself moving as if bubbling from deep within the Earth's crust. It started to shift upwards, the pile growing as it began to steam.

The strain on their faces was evident as Loki bared his teeth in a grimace and a trickle of sweat ran down his forehead.

There was a sound, like a sonic boom, but it came from below the ground, and suddenly the earth was rent apart, a deep chasm appearing and lava rushed upwards, spilling over the edges.

"Get back!" Tony shrieked as Lava splashed into the air and then began to ooze down the sides of the mound Loki had created.

_"What the HELL is that?"_ Fury's voice came over the comm, as the Quinjet flew over the trees, drawing the robot after it.

Thor moved backwards, dragging Loki with him, out of the path of a lava stream.

"It's a trap," Tony replied.

_"What, and you just expect him to walk into it?"_ Fury asked.

"I believe I can help with that," Loki said, raising his hand, and a shimmering light settled over the lava pool, casting an illusion of solid ground over the hole.

"Nick, this is going to work, we just have to get him into it," Tony said.

_"You better be right about this, Stark."_

"I have never been more confident," Tony lied, as he took off into the air and headed towards Ultimo.

The giant robot was still making its way across the park, knocking down tall trees with its shuffling feet.

"Tag out," Tony said, as he barrel rolled into the sight of the robot, relieving the Quinjet of duty.

Iron Man weaved through the sky, narrowly avoiding the laser beams that seared the air as Ultimo desperately tried to fulfil his last order.

Tony looked down, checking his path was straight, and then found himself tumbling through the air, unable to stop himself as he ploughed into the ground.

"JARVIS, what the hell just happened?" Tony coughed.

"The left boot jet pack was unfortunately clipped by the laser and is offline, sir."

"Can you reroute power?"

"No, sir. The entire casing is melted and will need to be replaced."

Ultimo stopped advancing, stood at the edge of the concealed lava pit, and turned his head towards the Quinjet which was skimming across the other side of the park, attempting to stay concealed.

"I'm down!" Tony shouted. "Someone needs to get up here before he turns!"

There was a roar as Hulk appeared, crashing through the trees, and Ultimo turned his head towards him.

The robot raised a foot, and Tony held his breath as he extended his leg, took a step and his foot passed through the illusion of solid ground. He teetered tantalisingly, as he might be able to save himself, and then finally tipped forward into the pit of lava.

"Shit, yeah!" Tony shouted.

_"Will that hold him?"_ Fury asked.

"It's a volcano, Nick, I thin-" Tony was interrupted by a roar from the lava pit as steam began to rise and a glowing, superheated metal hand appeared above the rim and then sank back down and the robot tried to claw its way out. "Loki! You need to close that thing!"

Loki was on his feet as Tony scrambled his way back from the edge of the pit as the arm rose and fell again, and suddenly the sky started to turn grey overhead and small splotches started to appear on Tony's visor.

He held out his hand, catching snowflakes that floated from the sky.

Loki was at the edge of the pit, holding the blue box that he shown Tony, and it was pouring wave after wave of ice and snow onto the burning hot lava, and turning it to stone, trapping the robot beneath it.

Loki stood for a moment, holding the box in his blue hands as his shoulders slowly hunched forward.

"Loki," Thor said quietly. "Turn around."

"No."

"Turn around, brother."

Loki suddenly turned, and hissed, "How can you call me that when I look like this?"

Thor smiled gently and held Mjolnir out. "Perhaps we should fill this tear in the ground. It would be dangerous to leave it where children play."

Loki looked from Thor to the hammer and back again, a flow of confusing emotions crossing his face, and then finally he moved his hands, sending the blue box back to wherever it had come from.

He leaned over and entwined his blue fingers with Thor's.

~0~

The brothers were laid on the ground laughing, Loki's head laid on Thor's stomach, when the Quinjet landed and Fury walked out, eyeing the 15ft mound of still steaming dirt and rock that covered the lava pit.

"Why is that still here?" Fury snapped.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are my skills of matter manipulation not good enough for you?" Loki asked. "Perhaps you would like to finish the job yourself."

Thor laughed loudly, and Loki frowned. "You make a useless pillow, Thor. Especially when you laugh like that."

"Then perhaps you should lay yourself somewhere softer?"

"I should lay my head on your head. That is soft enough."

Thor laughed again and said, "This reminds me of that time on Alfheim."

"The Tavern woman with the unfeasibly large chest," Loki agreed.

"No," Thor said. "I was thinking of the time when you were trapped in the form of a goose and that farmer wanted to use your feathers to stuff his pillow."

"Oh yes!" Loki agreed. "I had forgotten about that."

"When you are quite finished with the reminiscing…" Fury said. "What are we supposed to do with this?"

"I dunno, Nick," Tony said. "Maybe turf it and put a nice flagpole or a statue on top to celebrate our victory."

Loki and Thor finally climbed to their feet as a shirtless Bruce wandered out through the undergrowth.

"How are you doing?" Steve asked. "You took a pretty good hit from that thing."

"I'm fine," Bruce said, and then he looked at Loki. "Which is more than I can say for you. What the hell happened to your hand?"

"It is nothing. It will heal by the morning," Loki replied.

"You are not putting that thing on me while it looks like that," Tony said.

"Oh, so I suppose you don't want sex tonight to celebrate our victory?" Loki asked.

"I never said that," Tony replied, as he pulled Loki towards him. "You can wear a glove."

Loki leaned forward, meeting Tony's mouth with his own, and then pulled away when he heard a very audible "Ewwww," from behind them.

"Agent Barton, I believe a promise was made that in return for my help you would all respect our relationship," Loki said, fixing Clint with a glare.

Clint rolled his eyes, but Natasha said, "Sorry Clint, but he's right, and I kinda agreed on your behalf. It was the only way to get him to help."

Tony wrapped one arm round Loki's waist, and said, "So Pa, can I keep him?"

Fury gritted his teeth and raised his finger. "If you so much as put one foot, one TOE out of line you will go back to being our enemy."

"I'll look forward to it," Loki replied with a grin.

~0~

~0~

Tony spent days down in the wreck of the Helicarrier, helping to rescue people who were trapped in sections sealed by watertight bulkheads, saved by the still functioning life support systems, and then more days bringing up the bodies of those who had not survived.

Even Loki had deigned to assist when Tony had begged him to teleport deep into the bowels of the ship to bring out those who were sealed behind multiple doors.

A week later and the funerals started, with one Avenger attending each of them.

It was a sad time around the tower, but Loki was always there to cheer Tony up with sly smile and a warm bed when he arrived back.

~0~

The mayor appeared on television one night announcing that the small extinct volcano in Central Park was to be named Mount Mjolnir in honour of the Avengers and their victory over Ultimo, which sent Loki into a frenzy of ranting and somehow the sofa ended up on fire in the street below.

He vanished shortly after, then reappeared an hour later with a self satisfied grin on his face, and a few minutes later a rather harassed looking mayor appeared on the TV again and claimed a mistake had been made and the volcano would be known as Loki Mountain.

"I take you had a hand in this?" Tony asked.

Loki shrugged, and said, "Mortals are fickle creatures. It is hardly my fault that your moods are as changeable as the weather."

~0~

It is all over the papers and news that Loki helped the Avengers to defeat Ultimo and suddenly the public loved him.

He was on the covers of magazines and T shirt sellers on street corners were selling clothing bearing his image. He received invitations to appear on TV chat shows and newspapers were clamouring to be the first to get the full story about how a supervillain had turned superhero.

Then one day a magazine printed a story that Loki had joined the Avengers and three hours after it hit the stands all the paintings in the metropolitan art museum came to life and several people were injured when a Van Gogh self portrait got a bit slash happy and cut a few ears off while Loki looked on and laughed.

Suddenly he was public enemy number one again.

Tony didn't mind though 'cause he knew that one day everyone would see Loki just like he did... sitting on the sofa with his legs open, wearing nothing but a robe which had fallen open, while he dipped cold hot dogs into a jar of Marshmallow Fluff and laughed his ass off at the History channel.

Yeah, maybe it was best that they didn't.

~0~

~0~

A week later Loki announced that he had urgent business to attend to and returned later that evening with a golden apple and a black eye.

"Idunn may be an old crone, but she still packs a punch," Loki explained as he handed Tony the apple.

"Is this what I think it is?" Tony asked, turning over the fruit in his hand.

"It is," Loki replied, and then he placed his hand over Tony's. "You should consider this carefully before you eat it. It will significantly lengthen your life and it will have other effects too."

"I'm not gonna get the sudden urge to wear helmets am I?"

Loki let out a soft laugh and then leaned forward and brushed his fingers across Tony's arc reactor. "You won't need this any more. The apples heal all wounds, past and present. The shrapnel will be ejected from your body."

"Wow, that's quite something."

"You will still be left with the scars, but it is still not a decision to be taken lightly. This is part of who you are."

"Lets look at it rationally, maybe I eat the apple. What will change really? I don't need it to power the suit."

"We would have to buy a bedside lamp so I can read at night," Loki added.

Tony laughed and said, "To quote my favourite Norse god, what have I to fear?"

"You have nothing to fear. As long as I am here none shall harm you, and I have no plans to leave," Loki replied.

Tony brought the apple to his mouth and took a bite.

~0~

* * *

And that is that! The "little 5000 word prompt fill that would not end" has finally complete.

Thanks to everyone who has stuck with me and thank you so much for all your lovely reviews! It has been very much appreciated :-D

Hopefully my next fic shouldn't take me so long to write, but I said that about this one too :-p


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